cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Women In My Life The women in my life. Lindsay, not the one who is Alex's awful ball in chain, has come roaring back in to my life. We went fishing earlier this week. She caught her first fish. I kissed her as we parted. Lindsay the atheist Jewish woman in her early thirties who was a yoga instructor and NYU and Culinary Institute of America grad when we were dating before, but is now a social worker. She has some terrible thyroid disease that causes noticeable hair loss. Maybe a tumor? I don't remember exactly what it is. I haven't asked her about it since we started seeing each other in the last week, but I can see sickness in her face now as well. She is cute and has large ears that stick straight out like an elf or a cartoon character. Yesterday she walked along the R1vanna trail while I was fishing with Ida and her boyfriend. We were trying to catch fish to do gyotaku print-making. We talked for a few minutes, during which three other people I knew walked by and one of them was in need of catfish bait that I supplied. Tonight we went together to a concert that Ida recommended. A band that Lindsay was already into, Bully. They were really good. Like Sonic Youth with all Kim Gordon vocals. I kissed her again when I dropped her off at home. Lindsay has great tits. A very nice figure. She is pretty, even though she is sick. We have obsessions with culinary history in common. I think that we could work out really well. Even though we fucked a lot when the pandemic started, I don't want to go straight back into that. I feel like this needs a series of dates and getting used to each other again. Within 30 minutes of our date yesterday, she was full of "I'll go on that trip with you," and "we should do that together." If she can really follow through on that, I'm going to let her. She's smart and pretty and fun and well-educated and I like her. I think that I will bring her flowers when I next see her in the next few days. I think that she really needs that. Especially before we fuck again. I will definitely bring her flowers before we fuck again. Lindsay has serious problems with confidence and self-esteem. Whatever my own fucked-up issues are (confidence, somehow, has never been one of them), I have this delicate woman's heart in my hands and I have to be careful with it. I am not in love with her right now. Perhaps I could be. But she has placed herself in my hands and I have to take very good care of her. Alex has not said anything to me at all in something like a month. In her head, probably we are still in a relationship. In reality she has had about a year and a half to to communicate and show up in person and actually be in a relationship and she has utterly failed. Old age will be difficult and lonely for her. Emily and I met up for a concert last week. She bought me a T-shirt for Sublime Frequencies records. She still wants me to get her pregnant in the waning months or years of her fertility. Emily is still fifty or sixty pounds overweight and drinks too much for me to feel ok about her carrying, let alone mothering, a baby. She has excellent taste in music. When she is drunk she shrieks and makes things up and she shows up already drunk too often when we hang out. Janine is still pining for me but has her kinda asshole firefighter boyfriend to console her. We met up at a brewery last week and I brought her a preserved baby turtle in a bottle. Janine is a mortician. She's been married twice and talks too much about small things and gamely tries to keep up with me on outings but basically just wants to lay on her couch after a shift of the horrible shit that she sees at work. She has routinely told me that she wants a relationship with me. Her boyfriend is a fuckwit who is still on dating apps while dating her. That shit is just so toxic. Dating apps. Swipe culture. Constantly being bombarded with messages telling you that someone even better is just a click away. That people are products or commodities whom you can trade up on. You will never learn to love the person whom you are with when you have emails and notifications telling you that someone else is just a swipe or a message away. Which is the whole point. If people landed in happy romantic relationships, OKCupid or Tinder or whatever would lose a customer. Or a product. Or whatever we are in that space. I have no online distractions. There is Lindsay right here in my life and nobody else competing for her attention. I will do my best to do right by her. I hope that I will fall in love with her. She is in love with me, so that is the best outcome. I am going to try to be good to her, but I'm a bit afraid of what the result could be if I do everything right and bring her flowers and listen to her and go down on her and bring her along on adventures and what if I'm not actually in love with her after all of that? I never had to worry about that with Alex. I was just in love with her all along. And with Helenah. Is it possible to force or to foster being in love? I'm going to try. My daughter is the final woman in my life. She's 19. Her boyfriend, Luke, whom she lives with, is a good guy. Looks kinda like a muppet, always defers to her in everything. Doesn't say much. Likes fishing. He had a thyroid tumor that had to be removed a few months ago. The scar is bright across his neck. Next Sunday Ida and I are driving to DC to see Love and Rockets. I bought the tickets a few months ago before I was skint. My favorite band since high school and one of her favorites. She grew up going to shows with me and has been listening to weird shit since she was an infant. She's into Current 93 and Nature and Organization and COIL and of course Siouxie Sioux and The Cure and Modern Eon and The Names and Tom Waits and Joy Division and all the rest. She saw Bauhaus front row center at Cruel World Fest in LA last year. The two times that I saw Love and Rockets before this were with her mother. 1997 and 1999. Trish being gone is still a massive source of heartbreak even though her adult-onset asbergers or whatever the fuck is her deal is a reality. She is just fucking socially retarded now. Going to this show with Ida now. Holy fuck. I remember when she was a toddler. I miss having a toddler around so much. I miss babies so much. I played her Love and Rockets at home and in the car. And she came back to it on her own, and got super into Bauhaus (3 of 4 members of Bauhaus were in Love and Rockets) in high school and college. She dressed up for the "First Fridays" arts thing here over the weekend, and wore a little black dress and heels and was cool as fuck and chatted with artists about pencil and paint choices. I wish that I was going to this show with my wife. With Trish. But she is a frumpy, socially incompetent, argumentative lump now. The woman whom I miss does not exist anymore. I might as well be a widower. It is really awesome that my totally cool, awesome, 19 year old daughter is just as psyched to go to this show as I am. I have never had any reason to doubt or question or fear for Ida since she was born. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She has never been a burden or a concern. I am honestly the luckiest father who has ever had a daughter. Ida has always been the perfect child. And my son is turning out pretty fucking well, having the teenaged years that might even be an improvement on my 90's version of Dazed and Confused. His girlfriend is a nice Jewish girl who does daycare for the local synogoge. He wears a ring on his left ring finger which may signify an engagement. I don't bug him about it. Sophie is a nice girl. Harry has had his choice of girls for the last year or two. He picked this one. Sophie keeps kosher. We cook with her in mind. Her mother is a professor of Jewish studies at UVA. She's cute, but has a boyfriend so I'm out. Also I'm dating Lindsay now. Sophie is not super interesting so far. We go to a Mexican restaurant that is selling authentic cuisine to immigrants and she ordered a chicken quesadilla. Not the chilaqulies or tortas. A fucking chicken quesadilla. She is smart and nice and affectionate towards Harry. He seems smitten. And that is all it really takes, for his part. There is nothing wrong with being devoted to a woman, so long as she remains devoted to him. Two people have to remain committed to one another. Even when it is hard. I hope that Ida and Luke will remain devoted to one another, even when it's hard. I hope that Harry and Sophie will remain devoted to each other, even when it's hard. Living that is not any easier when you are a teenager or when you are in your early twenties than when you are any other age. I think that they have just as good of a shot at it as most people twenty or thirty years older then them. I got engaged when I was less than a year older than Harry, and I stayed with Trish for 17 years and it only ended because she left me. I never gave up. A 16 year old can love and commit probably better than a typically jaded 36 year old can. That is the mindset that I should keep with regard to Lindsay. When you are 16 years old, you can love a woman because she is there and she is pretty and she loves you. The details just follow and you fall into her family and her life and you do what makes her happy. I see my son doing the same thing that I did. I just hope that Sophie's loyalty is more durable than Trish's. I am going to pick a wild bouquet of flowers tomorrow and give them to Lindsay. I'm just terrified of breaking her heart. She is such a good human being. I don't know if I am doing the right thing making her fall completely in love with me before I am in love with her. But I'm going to do my best and be very good to her. 2:30 a.m. - 2023-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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