cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Obsessing There doesn't seem to be any guide to this. How is this all supposed to work? This whole life. This institution we've got here is going to dissolve. What a sad thing. I gave this woman 15 or 16 years or whatever it has been. I always knew that she liked women. Preferred them, even. But I never thought that this would happen. I thought that there was an exception carved out for me in perpetuity. I have always told her that she is free to do as she pleases with whomever she please. If she wants to have sex with a woman, she should do it. And I had always thought that this would be enough. In practice she rarely took advantage of that freedom. In fact, during the last few years she tried to claim that she no longer had any interest in women whatsoever. That the bisexual thing was something she'd grown out of and that she was almost 100% hetero. That was all bullshit, she admitted this morning. She never lost interest in women, she just convinced herself that she had to leave all of that behind on account of being married and having children. About 30 minutes ago I puked into the toilet. Bout after bout of violent retching. I was spitting out blood by the time I was done. I'm going to try to sleep now. I am so very alone right now. 3:34 p.m. - 2011-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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