cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And the Pieces of Yarn Too Short to Save and Too Beautiful to Throw Away Even among my dogs, only one of them would miss me. The other dog doesn't give a shit. So long as someone is there to rub her belly. I think that a small fraction of the world would mourn me for about five minutes. Then everything would go back to normal. It would be the same world as before, only I wouldn't be suffering in it. Even my children wouldn't be any worse off without me existing at all versus with me existing and being homeless and broke. Either way I'm irrelevant. Just to try, I put some effort out there. Emails to various editors who committed to buying articles but haven't actually done their part to read the articles on time so that I would get paid for this month. Reaching out to the production company that has an option on me to see about them releasing it so I could take the deal offered by NG. Etc., etc. If something gets better by Tuesday, I will stick around. But I don't think that anything will get better. I think its going to be the same shit that I was dealing with yesterday and this morning. I just can't lose another house. I can't face that again. Especially on my own. Its not that I want to die. Its that living any more is getting more painful than I can bear and I don't see an end to this in sight. It doesn't automatically get better, either. Plenty of people have lived long, miserable lives of loss and poverty, no matter how talented or deserving they were. And who is to say that I am especially talented or deserving? I just want this to stop. I only wanted to have a nice place to live and enough to eat and to take care of my wife and my babies. But I don't get to have that. She left. I just don't have much of anything here anymore. Its all evaporated. And without a place to live I don't want to be here any more. 2:14 a.m. - 2013-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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