cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Short version: just kill me To the woman from Finland whom I am currently talking to: I sought out someone from outside of the US because I reject what I have been given. I reject the Kardashians and the Academy Awards. I reject a neo-nazi culture that says I am supposed to accommodate the latest micro-step towards racist government and policy. I reject the world that I have been handed. I reject the lies and the fighting. My life should include other ways of thinking, other ways of living. _______ I've gotten the impression from Christa that she's sick of dealing with my situation. I was great while I was there and had the P0lka C@stle and created a refuge for her. But really, I'd be sick of me, too, if I was her. She took a few days to respond to an email that I sent her, and then I sent her one where I said that I felt really sad that while she had been so worried that I would ghost her, she had ghosted me. And I said some sort of 'that's it, I'll miss you' sort of things. There's a reply from her now, but I haven't looked at it. And I may not ever be able to look at it. She's so cute sometimes. There's a whole future I can imagine where we might have gotten married, had a life together. But this months-long situation where I have no job and no money has worn her out thin and I can tell that she doesn't want any more of me. There's no point in my trying to make it work. There is a period which I am experiencing in which I will be broke as fuck. Eventually I will have a salary or a boon again and things will be good for a while. But it's a rotten thing for any woman to depend on that, no matter how interesting I am or how much fun I am. It would be for the best if I were to be killed very dead at the earliest opportunity. I am not good. I am smart and adventurous and well-educated and able to take care of small children and fix the plumbing and build houses. But people do not pay me very much money in the long term. So I am not good. I can change diapers and make the heat pump work and butcher a deer but I do not know where my next paycheck will come from so I am not good. I am worthless. There is no reason for me to exist. I am worthless in this world. Literally, I have no worth. This lady from Finland seems really nice and smart. I like talking to her. We could get along. Maybe there won't be a point where her needs eclipse my capabilities. All of this is just dumb, because the lady from Finland and Christa and anything else is just a spectre. I don't want either of them or anything else. I only want my wife. My Puppy. I have loved her since I was 17 and she was two years older than me. I loved her when we were married. I love my wife more than my own life and I want to be shot through my brain and killed immediately after writing this rather than being apart from her for another moment. 2:59 a.m. - 2020-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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