cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emily? Christa? Here's what's up. Emily, You have been so very much present at times when nobody else was. When no one else in the world was checking in on me, you were there. I find you physically attractive. You are pretty, you are fun. The big thing is that I am SO not over the fact that my wife walked out on me and I still miss her desperately. You have incredible taste in music. That is huge. We also have nothing in common beyond that, intellectually. And I don't want to diminish your musical taste. Holy shit, your ability to find obscure early South American samba jams is incredible. But I spend 20 hours a week reading scientific papers and back issues of the NYT. And you have no beginning for even discussing that. You are a few years past 40 and desperate to have a child. Part of me wants to knock you up, but a bigger part of me knows that this would be a really bad idea. Actually, a really big part of me wants to knock you up. But seriously, I am still foolishly desperate to get back together with my ex-wife and any spawn would prevent that from happening. So here I am, in limbo. Acting like I'm going to fuck you, which I probably will now that I have a job offer, but not actually willing to commit and really impregnate you like you actually want me to. And Christa, You've noticed what a fuck-up that I really am now that we aren't together in person every day and you ignore my emails while responding to my my texts. Good for you. But I will say that with sustained personal contact I would have felt moved to make things more permanent. It's hard to say how my desire to fix things with Trish would have affected this, but if, say, she had died then I would have seriously considered marriage. You're smart, you're fun, you're loyal and you're actually still in the running if you want to be. That's where things are. The world is ending and I'm trying to be with my wife while these other women impact me and try to be with me from very different standpoints. Mostly I just want my wife. Which is stupid difficult right now. 1:57 a.m. - 2020-03-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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