cellini's Diaryland Diary

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The Big Magic Emerges

I don't care to get into the details, but I've got more car trouble. I just spent $130 or so to get the car drivable and it needs another $450 for new engine mounts very soon.

So my decision is 'fuck this.' I've already asked Car Max to transfer over a ZX2 for me to test drive tomorrow. I'm trading in the BMW immediately and will be done with it forever.

This is the big magic that I needed. Remember how a week or 2 ago I said that I needed to get rid of something big in order to get things moving? This is it! This stupid fucking BMW! This is the thing that I thought that I needed that I really need to let go of.

I feel very strongly that I am on the right track here. Once I sell the BMW, very good things will start happening to me. Things that had been in the works and were all gummed up and not happening will move forward freely.

There was a diary entry that I wrote last month which has turned out to be eerily prescient. I will paste in most of it below:

"This is change-time. What has been is becoming something else right now. I can feel it. Relationships will change. Someone will come. Someone will go.

"Come what may tomorrow or next year or 50 years from, let it be said that at this present moment I am perfectly happy with my my life. My children are healthy and safe and happy and I am with them every day. I have enough to eat. I have a job that I don't hate. A house. Things to look forward to. I have lots of sex. A very nice car to drive. An ideal marriage. This is success. This is fortune. I am grateful.

This is coyote time. This is trickster time. Geese are flying in vees over our heads. The weather is colder and we wear different clothes now. Pay attention to what is happening or you will be taken by surprise. This is opportunity. If ever you help a stranger, now is the time."

I don't know what possessed me to write that. But right then, that very day, things started to change. First the thing with my bank. Then sudden, real motion on the house addition. Then Simon getting sick. Etc.

Things are changing all around me. The mistake I'd been making was being more or less passive. I wasn't making decisions so much as just watching these changes and being subjected to them. This could be a very productive season for me or it could be ruinous. The key to making it productive is to seize the weather gauge. Attack rather than defend. Make decisions and then keep making decisions.

This starts with the car tomorrow. I'm slicing through gordian knots now. It all comes back to what I was writing about destruction and creation recently. There is destruction in the air and I'm going to make it work for me rather than against me.

Apologies to friends reading this whom I've not talked to very much lately. This whole business with Simon has taken over my life. He is all that I think about. I've gotten bad with returning emails and so on. Sorry about that. This won't last forever.

4:27 p.m. - 2007-10-12

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