cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Woe is Me

Trish's car won't start for some reason. Wonderful. If I can't get it running when I get home then that's that. We have no money with which to pay for repairs so it will just have to sit there indefinitely.

At least we have my new car as a backup. It's small but it does the job.

I was planning on trying to get another deer after work today. We're going through that meat pretty fast. But that's not going to happen if I have to fuck with the car. There will only be maybe 30-45 minutes of daylight left when I get home. Barely enough time to say hello to Ida, the baby and the dogs, get changed and get into position.

Last night it got down below freezing so we had to start the furnace up. Except that it's out of fuel. Getting it filled up with heating oil will cost about $600 that I don't have. So I just have to make do with getting another 5 gallons of diesel at the gas station when ever I have the money and putting a little bit in the tank at a time. Hopefully enough to keep pace with the weather and not wind up with no heat in the middle of a freezing night.

This weekly struggle to make ends meet is really wearing on me. I'm ready for this to be over. Broken cars that I don't have the money to fix. A freezing house because I don't have the fuel to heat it. A refrigerator full of nothing.

Where is the light at the end of this tunnel? I ask for so little. So much less than I once did. Enough to eat, basic transportation, heat in the winter, a house that isn't falling to pieces.

I've done about everything I can to take control of these things. I have tools and I know how to use them but I don't have the money for building materials or the means of hauling them. I hunt to put food in the kitchen. When there's a car problem that I can possibly fix by myself in a reasonable amount of time, I do it.

There's a limit to what even the most enterprising person can do to maintain a decent standard of living for a family without enough money. I'm right up against that limit now. I've done all I can. I just need to be making more money than this. That is the only thing that can improve my situation. I need more money.

It's going to be at least 4 years before the baby is old enough for Kindergarten. At that point, Trish can go back to work, which will help enormously. But that is a long way off.

As much as I would like more kids, I just don't think that I could do it. We can't afford it.

I want that fucking $10,000 that I have coming to me and I want it now. I've waited long enough.

Lately I haven't been doing shit at work. Why? Because fuck this. Why the fuck am I going to bust my ass for a job that doesn't pay the bills? Once I actually see that $10k that I am owed, maybe I will feel differently.

3:13 p.m. - 2007-10-30

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