cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'Control' and What a Bitch. Last night Trish and I watched 'Control,' which is the movie made about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. It was very, very good. I found it chilling how much it reminded me of a certain period of my own life. When I was about 22 years old. I had married very young and was going through this strange period of alienation from my wife. She was depressed and would not leave the damned house for anything except work. I had just come out of this very dark period, we'd moved back to our home town after being away for college and suddenly I just wanted to be out doing things with people all the time. I was out clubbing and barhopping and doing all sorts of things and generally having a good time, but she would never come along. After a while, I had a sort of entourage when I went out. There were usually a few attractive young women looking for my attention. There was this horrible sense of being trapped. Watching 'Control' brought it all back. Like Ian Curtis, I never even remotely considered getting a divorce. In fact, I would literally have sooner killed myself. But there were a lot of differences between Ian Curtis and myself. First, I never treated Trish like shit. When I was there, I was fully there. I never stopped being affectionate towards her. Ian kept his wife out of his life with Joy Division deliberately, whereas I practically begged Trish to come out with me and she never would. Would I have killed myself? Yeah, I'm sorry to say that it was a distinct possibility at that time. What stopped me was my dogs. I couldn't bear the idea of leaving them alone and sad and waiting forever for me to come home. They would never understand. Eventually I made the decision that Ian Curtis didn't give himself enough time to make. I decided that I was going to start over again and become a better person all around. If Trish was going to stay in all the time, then I would be there with her. I gave up my entire social life. I literally threw away the clothes I'd worn to concerts and nightclubs and parties. And it worked. I became much happier after I'd essentially devoted myself to Trish's happiness. What helped me stay on track more than anything else was a dream that I had. I've written about it before. I had a dream that I'd somehow drifted away and lost track of time and everything and hadn't been home in months and didn't know how to get there anymore. I was living on the street in this dream and my father was trying to get me involved in life by asking me to come to some sort of political meetings. Meanwhile, Trish had moved and I didn't know where she was and I didn't know where my dogs were. This was easily the worst nightmare I had ever had. The very thought of it still causes my chest to tighten up and a slight panic to set in. All that Ian Curtis had to do was to quit the band and go home. That's it. Just go home and accept that this is where he is and this is what he'd going to do. And eventually, he'd have been pretty happy. Altogether, the movie was a flawless insight into what it is like to be that way. I've seen all sorts of criticisms of it saying that none of it makes sense. No, it makes perfect sense. You just have to have been a 22 year old married man who is being pulled between one life at home as an ordinary adult and another life out in nightclubs with people who think you are glamorous and interesting and want one piece of you after another. I've been a fan of Joy Division since Trish introduced me to them when I was about 17. But I'd never been obsessed or anything and I didn't know much of anything about Ian Curtis's personal history until I saw the movie. Now I should really dig out our old Joy Division CDs after work and listen to it all again, just to see what I missed in it before. Nothing is so frightening to me than the idea of failing or losing people that I care about (this includes dogs). I'd sooner die. I know that this doesn't make sense to anyone. I made the mistake of updating to the new 3.0.1 version of Firefox. What a heap of shit. I totally regret installing it. I despise this GUI. The one I was using on the old version had square buttons with a little dropdown for both forward and back to move through my history. This heap of shit only has one drop-down for both forward and back and it has the round buttons that I fucking despise. And don't get me started on the changes to the auto-complete function on the location bar. I looked for a decent skin for the new version but there's nothing available yet. So I said 'fuck you, Firefox' and I'm using Explorer now on general principle. Which I also hate. Trish is being suddenly a psycho bitch. She had suggested that we get on the whole 4-way thing already, so I said she should create an account for us on adult friend finder or whatever. So she did yesterday. And today I sent her an email about it, pointing out that she could search to select male/male couples who want one female. It's rare, but they're out there. She has a total fantasy of both fucking gay men and watching them fuck each other. It's her fetish. Well, one of them. So I was basically pointing out that here was a way to carry it out and I was clearly giving my blessing. In fact, here's my email: "I don't know how good your odds are, but AFF lets you search for 'male/male couples seeking a female.' I'm sure there's some gay couple out there that is kinda bi and looks for a chick now and then. You could live every fag-hag's dream for a night. Go for it." Ok, now here's her response from about 30 minutes ago: "What the fuck are you on about? See my exasperated face? See it?" What. A. Bitch. Total fucking bitch. She goes on and on about her obsession with gay sex for the last year, asks for gay porn for Christmas, goes to NYC just to see Harry Potter's cock (well, the actor who plays him in the movies) in a play because she is obsessed with Harry Potter slash fiction. And then I finally say "here, go ahead and fuck some gay men" and THAT is her response? Christ. What a total bitch. I think I'm just going to respond and totally unload on her. What a bitch. In fact, I'm taking it back. No more permission to go have a 3-way with a couple of bisexual men. Total bitch. I was going to pick up beer for her on the way home, but fuck that. Fuck giving her anything she wants at this point. Bitch. 5:01 p.m. - 2008-08-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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