cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Death or Glory How strange and hard it is to find myself in the wake of this great success last weekend and yet still practially broke with no heat or working plumbing. I came home so happy and was greeting by a house that looks like even more of a shithole than ever. Rather than bring the trash can back down the driveway after it was picked up, Trish opted to pile up bags of trash on the front porch along with all of the other junk that she has heaped there. The inside of the house was much the same sort of thing. I hate coming home to the shithole that she has created. I hate coming home to her. She won't put out and flat-out refused to give a blowjob on 'steak and a blowjob day.' I miss having a wife instead of a shitty roommate. Today I found out that I'm getting a tax refund which is nowhere near as big as last year's but still big enough to straighten us out for a few months. I'm planning to take most of it out as cash to keep Trish from pissing it away on random frivolous shit. I had an idea for something I might try to sell to the New Y0rker later this year. I need time to write it. This would be a little more literary than the stuff I've been writing for a while. It is difficult to muster any sort of creative spirit or enthusiasm for anything when one is slowly starving and living in horrible, soul-crushing poverty with no heat and plumbing that doesn't exactly work anymore (since the pressure tank for the well froze and reuptured). Things are pretty bad. I think its safe to say that what we are going through is a functionally worse state of poverty than 95% of Americans in the last 50 years have ever faced. I suspect that my biggest mistake is continuing to pay all of my bills rather than giving up and defaulting but then maybe having enough money for heat, water and food. Right now I really am on the edge of losing hope. I've still got zero class sign-ups despite everyone's high enthusiasm in NYC the other day. Still no actual offers from publishers in spite of these editors fawning all over me. I just can't keep this up forever. I can see the cracks where everything is about to fall apart. It is horrifying to be looking right at where and how everything is going to break up if I don't get a publishing deal. We will probably limp through somehow for the next 2 weeks until the tax refund gets here. But if I don't get signed or make any other big changes happen then here's where I will be 12 months from now: - Divorced I cannot stress enough how very real this danger is. My marriage, my family, my business, my home and everything. All of it will be gone in a year if I can't get a book deal and all that goes with it. Everything that I spent my entire life working for will be gone and I will be completely alone. At that point, I will literally kill myself. So it really is all or nothing. This works and I become a slightly famous author, general purpose expert and public speaker, or else my life will be over. I pray, every minute of the day, for an email from my agent with details of an author. I know that there are editors at 4 different companies that love my stuff and want to sign me, but they have to get it through an editorial board first. I'm waiting for this to happen. All hope of any other way out of this whole situation has dissolved. 3:18 p.m. - 2010-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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