cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Head Over Heels Last night I had a dream. A dream in two parts. It was a dream that gave me exactly what I wanted in so vivid a manner that I can't let go of it. I can't ignore it. If it been real - no, even if it wasn't then it was still one of my happiest moments of my entire life. And for it to happen right now, in the middle of everything else that has been going on for the last few months. I cannot ignore it. One kiss. I didn't even know quite how much I wanted it until it happened. I was walking her to her train and there was an unspoken cross-ness she had toward me because she knew I wanted her to stay and she knew why, and it was wrong, and neither of us would say it. And there we were at Penn station and she was about to get on her train and she turned towards me and we were very, very close when I kissed her and she kissed me back and it went on forever. And when she finally stepped onto the train I knew that I would see her again and that nothing in my life would ever be the same. Here's how I want her. I want her like I hunt. Like I've written over the last month or so right here in this diary. I need her like I need a kill when my freezer and my stomach are empty and my children clamor for food. When I hunt raw and desperate and when I circle a meadow slowly, like an animal, literally sniffing the air and tracking down my prey by scent. Casting around for that strong, horse-like scent and following it straight into the wind until the doe jumps up in the tall grass mere feet in front of me and the rifle already on my shoulder goes off as though I have directly inhaled the animal. I've never wanted anything but immediate survival the way that I want this. The way that I want her. I want to hold her close to me and inhale her. This is wholly new to me. I've loved before but that was back before I had felt much. That was all years ago. Back before I'd helped to birth babies and spent a night in jail and dragged limp bodies from smoldering cars and waited for my infant to come out of surgery and had brushes with cancer relapses and killed wild things out of sheer desperation for food again and again and again. When I was about 16 years old I thought that I had passion. I loved and lost very strongly indeed. And I wrote very bad poetry and listened to 'I'm So Tired' off of The White Album again and again and again. And I thought, for the next 15 years, until today, that this was the epitome of passion that a man could have for a woman. I thought that all of that was over and that I had so much callous that I was immune to all of that shit. And then I had one dream and every terrible thing that I have been through in the last 15 years is suddenly distilled into one single drop of something perfect. And as I lay in bed, half-awake, I thought of the subtle flavors that all of these things had brought to this love. Confinement and hunger and desperation and need for outcomes that were so palpable that I could taste them like metallic coatings on my tongue. I thought that I had passion when I was 16. I had no fucking clue what passion was. Now I know. Now I know what it is to wait for life or death. And I know, in a very simple way, a way in which there is no doubting, that I need this woman. Someone I haven't even seen in person in ages, yet here it is. It doesn't matter. It does not matter that it does not make sense. This sort of thing never makes sense and it very rarely ends well either. But I'm beyond caring about happily ever after. I've been through the grinder enough times and stared at total disaster often enough to have been convinced that I'm eventually fucked no matter what. You can only dodge the reaper but so many times. I just want one thing along the way. I want my moment. I want that moment before she gets on the train, or a reasonable equivalent. I want that first kiss that I was promised in a dream last night. And then I am nearly certain that everything will go all to hell, but I don't care. It would be a hell of a thing to have happen before I die. And I really think that if I had that moment that I could end my days very happily knowing that I had done one of the few things in life that are really worth doing no matter what the price.
8:19 p.m. - 2010-04-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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