cellini's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She is Gone

Fucking Christ, what a day.

First of all, I'm drunk as I write this. Its a problem for me. Because my typing, my spelling and punctuation, while drunk, is still better than most people's while they are stone cold sober. Tis a fact and a talent.

I removed the old hot water heater and installed the new one. This involved all manner of retarded shit, including 3 trips to the hardware store. Trish showed up with the kids at around 10 am. They left about an hour ago, which was when I started drinking.

There was no reason to go, but she did.

I still have to replace the pressure tank in the well house before hooking up the electricity to the new water heater. I can't tell whether the pressure on the hot water lines is right or not and whether they have been purged of air, on account of the intermittent pressure from the ruptured tank. And that has to wait until morning, since the tank is out under the workshop. Until I know about the pressure, I can't be certain that the tank has filled and I can't hook up the electricity.

Also there is a fucking copperhead that moved into the well house right next to the dammned pressure tank and I haven't been able to kill it yet on account of the wiring and plumbing being right behind it every time a shot is presented.

Tomorrow morning I have to kill the copperhead, and the wasps that moved in there, before I can install the new pressure tank. Then I will finally be able to take a fucking hot shower.

She left with the kids. Took them to her parents' place again. She did it so easily. Without explanation or apology. Why?

I'm not sure that I'll be married per se all that much longer. I don't know what to think of that. She stopped doing anything but laying back and thinking of England a long time ago. There has been no affection towards me in a very long time. No happiness expressed towards my presence. No un-prompted hand to touch me. All business. I am an appliance. An appliance that produces money and groceries for her. Beyond that I don't think she cares.

It is the disposition of my children that really breaks my heart. I want to be there with them every day. But she takes them again and again to her parents' place. Harry cried the other night when I left. He said, "DON'T LEAVE! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"

But I didn't leave them. They left me. I'm still here, at home. Trish took my children somewhere else.

The social services thing is over and they admitted that they had it all wrong. Yet she still takes them and takes herself away.

Work. Toil. Pain. Loss. This is my life.

I opened up my little bottle of champagne. I was saving it to open with Trish when I got my contract for my book. And I got the contract yesterday, and an advance for more than I had ever expected. But she was gone yesterday and last night and she is gone tonight as well. So I opened up my bottle of champagne alone tonight and I drank it.

Tomorrow I have to kill a snake. Even today I had to kill. I opened a drawer while looking for a pipe wrench and there was a mouse nest. I cannot leave this be and had to get rid of it. Because we have had real problems with mice here. Yet there were 2 little new born pinkie mice in the nest. A small number, I know. And I could not just toss them outside because they would starve to death and that is a terrible way to die. So I had to kill them. These new-born mice.

In the end, I shot them. With a .22 rifle on the back porch that I built myself. It was the simplest thing I could come up with. Literally there was nothing left. Nothing at all to see, with the barrel a mere fraction of an inch from the little pink, squeaking creatures.

What else could I do? What?

I am so alone. It is time to face the facts. My wife has left me and taken my children and I am alone.

I don't know what happens now. Or a year from now. I have been looking after Trish since I was 17. I literally don't know how to be single. I don't know how people date. I build things and fix things and write books and look after a woman and take care of small children and that is what I know. It's all that I have ever known in my adult life and I don't know how I can live any other way.

11:23 p.m. - 2010-04-10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

metonym
mnemosynea
pipersplace
jendix

0 comments so far