cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Feh Late post - I wrote this a day or 2 ago and forgot to put it here. Oops. __________________ Oh, this is great. After assurances from Trish last night that everything was up to date on our bills, I got a phone call today at work indicating that we suddenly owe $600 for something. In a way, the amount is kind of a relief because there is no way that I can come up with it. If it was $200 then I'd be clearing out the little bit of gas and grocery money that I have and making a trip to the pawn shop and hustling to come up with it. But I can't come up with $600 so whatever. This will just mean the ruin of my credit rating. Great. It was a nice month or so of having money for things like food, medicine and gas. That was neat. Now it appears to be over. Lets see: Random stupid bullshit that Trish didn't pay and now there are late fees - $600 Need right away: $1,800. I don't even remotely have this money. When we do the r1fle-building class I will walk away with $600 for my time. But that isn't happening for at least a month. I'm not getting paid shit any time soon. It seems pretty unavoidable that I need to schedule and announce another deer class immediately. Like, today. That could start putting money in my pocket immediately. The appearance on that hunting show on Versus is all set now. They are working something out to record my contribution here next week. They unfortunately are not flying me out for it. I really need this TV show to happen. Not the Versus appearance - the actual show of my own with D1scovery. It is my only serious hope of financial rescue this year. Even the money from the book deal will just allow us to tread water for a while. That won't get us cars to replace the ones that are rapidly becoming unsafe to drive and ready for the scrap heap, and it won't get us into a habitable house with working plumbing and insulation. _________________ Oh fucking great. About 5 minutes after writing that last paragraph, I got an email from one of the producers saying that he is free on the day but the other producer just got booked for something for the whole week. Now they need to reschedule. I told him I can get him someone else to operate a camera if that's all it is. Fuck. Also we can't seem to find any damn kudzu yet for the NPR / ABC radio thing. I got 99 problems but a cervid ain't one. ________________ Its fucking annoying how people keep thinking that I must be at least kinda wealthy from doing all of this. Like I've had TV producers try to insist that the meat from a butchering demo be donated to a homeless shelter or food bank. WTF? I need that shit to feed my kids. Right now I'm thinking about that Dire Straits song, 'Money for Nothing.' No matter how hard I work for all of this, no matter what I sacrifice, no matter what risks I take to succeed in this career, it will all be invisible. When I win and I have a bunch of successful books and a TV show and speaking gigs and all the rest, people will point at me and say 'that guy has it really easy.' I am the least productive at my day job during these situations. I find it impossible to focus on my work and actually make money for this company when my stomach is in knots over not knowing how we're going to wash our clothes or buy milk. I find that I resent and hate my job all the more when this happens. I feel like there is no point in trying especially hard to get anything done here, given that I'm not even making a living. Another $10k a year in salary would change that. If I was making another $10k in salary after taxes, I have no doubt that I would produce another $20-30k in revenue for the company just by giving a shit more often. Today, I don't give a shit. I have things on my desk that should probably get done and would make money for the company, but I'm dragging my heels out of a combination of resentment and massive stress over my family's general situation. I'm spending all day trying to figure out where to scrape up $400 to fix the brakes on the car. I have really no choice in this - its a question of our basic survival. The company is losing thousands of dollars of revenue due to my thinking about this instead of my day job. If they just fucking paid me enough money to fix the brakes and buy food and heating oil and things like that, then the problem would go away and I would be doing my job. Yes, I resent this job situation. I resent giving 11 years of my life to a company and being rewarded with a salary commensurate with maybe 2 or 3 years of experience. Just give me a damn TV show and I am out of here. 2:35 p.m. - 2010-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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