cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Desperate and Hungry The shit is hitting the fan with my grandfather. He is not expected to live for another week. My father flew up this morning. I should be on a plane to Boston right now but I can't do it. I have the frequent flier miles but I don't have the $10 fee for using them for a last-minute flight. Nor do I have gas money to drive to the airport. Let alone any money to buy food with once I get up there. We're out of milk. All I can give to the kids is water now. The dogs are down to eating one meal a day. Trish found enough spare change around the house to buy a dozen eggs yesterday and that is pretty much what we are living on. The immediate situation is very, very bleak right now. I will probably have to poach a deer in the next day or two in order for us to make it another couple of weeks without starving. Its not looking like the July deer class is going to happen. I just can't get enough commitments to start accepting deposits. The r1fle-building classes are looking promising and I already have 2 weekends filled with those, but I'm doing this in partnership with Paul so I can't spend a dime of the money on anything but class expenses until after the class is over and we pay ourselves. The first one is happening on the last weekend of June, so that is no help in terms of immediate survival. I'm not sure at what point I should start emailing my agent and publishers to find out where the fuck my book advance is. I am right on the verge of giving all of this up. We literally cannot afford to eat or leave the house. I think I could still join the military if I have to. The rules that kept me out for medical reasons in college have been relaxed since then. If it comes to it, I could walk away from the mortgage, join up, and know that at least Trish and the kids would have guaranteed base housing. If I got sent to Afghanistan I'd be getting combat pay and taxes would be waived. It would be a way to survive. I'm in ok shape, I'm a good shot with a rifle, I know basic gunsmithing and I'm not squeamish. I would think that there is still a place for me in the Army. I did that interview with Versus this morning. It went fine. I just can't really celebrate it as a success. Nothing feels like a success when you can't feed your children or pay for gas to get to work. A regional public radio station asked me to do a commentary on elk reintroduction. I should be able to write this in no more than an hour and knock it out in the studio for them tomorrow. But I can't focus. I can't write like this. I don't know hw we are going to survive. I don't know where our next meal is going to come from. I don't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow without gas. Nor do I really know why the fuck I should keep coming to work. Its not like I can focus on the work that needs to be done for this job. I haven't gotten a fucking thing done here all day so far. All I can think about is the desperation of this situation. 11:34 a.m. - 2010-06-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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