cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Endgame There are 78 unread emails in my personal inbox right now. I get email from complete strangers asking me for shit every day. 78 emails and none of them are fom any of the people whom I actually want to hear from. I'm listening to stupidly self-destructively music today. Beck's 'Sea Changes,' for example. 'I'm So Tired' from the White Album again and again. We're going to have the dreaded talk by the end of the summer. The one where everything comes out in the open. The one where I say "I know that you don't really love me that way anymore, and its time for us to figure out a new way to live." She will cry. Its got to be done. I need to have someone be what she stopped being for me, and I don't want that to happen behind her back. I don't want to abandon her but I can't keep living like this. If my show gets picked up and we build the new house, I can make it be divisible. Build on a semi-detached wing that amounts to its own apartment. That way nothing changes as far as the kids are concerned, but we could lead somewhat separate lives and I could look for someone else without seeming like some creepy weirdo who still sleeps in the same bedroom as his supposed ex-wife. There doesn't seem to be much left to salvage. The bright side of things is that we're not angry at each other, and I have no intention of trying to screw her over or leave her with nothing. We're just two people who don't work together any more. Its going to be tough to explain this to people. If she was straight-up gay then it would be easy. But I don't see her coming out to the world as someone who identifies as a gay man who wants a penis to fuck twinks up the ass with. This means that I am the one who will look like the asshole for being sick and tired of being married to someone whom I am on 'peck on the cheek' terms with. 2:26 p.m. - 2010-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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