cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You'd Say, I'm Putting You On... I've just been asked to co-chair my county's Democratic Party. Man, I dunno. The list of duties they want me to take over are not ideal for me. Among other things, they want me to run the party's website and I have don't know the slightest bit of .html. I've also been out of the loop on County politics for the last few years and would be starting pretty much from scratch. I co-chaired the city party before I moved out here, so its not like I can't handle it politically. Right now I think I'm just too busy. Maybe I'll talk to the chair and see how much actual web stuff I would be expected to do. Its the other stuff I want to avoid as well. Like being expected to canvass door to door and shit like that, which I hate doing. Nor do I have the money I'd be expected to regularly contribute to campaigns in order to set a good example. Trish and I are now sexually over. There is no compatibility any more. The degree of over-ness was driven home last week when I put her hand on my crotch while we were laying in bed, reading. She immediately withdrew it. Flat-out, she refuses to so much as wrap her hand around my cock. When hand-jobs aren't even on the menu then it is really finished. I went to kiss her goodbye this morning and she turned her head and presented her cheek. We're on good terms otherwise. But she makes a point of finding some reason to put a kid between us in bed pretty much every night. For months now, even when we did have sex she just lies there doing nothing. Its just kind of creepy having sex with someone like that after a while. I would say that we are now very good friends who have kids and manage a household together. There is no longer any sexual component to our relationship whatsoever. I don't know what that is going to mean in the long run. Her deal, sexually, is this. She has said, in all seriousness, that her ideal is to be a gay man. She doesn't want a sex change or anything, but her the focus of her sexual desire to be a man who tops twinks. She wants to be the dominant, penetrating partner with a boyish gay man. A strap-on is not an acceptable substitute for her. What it comes down to is that she's no longer interested in getting fucked or interacting with a penis. She wants to interact with someone who has a penis, but the focus would be on fucking his ass with a cock that she doesn't have. This orientation leaves both her and I shit out of luck. All she can really do is watch gay porn, which she regularly does. The Discovery producer has been going back and forth with me to put the treatment together for the TV show. I'm letting him crib from my book proposal, which hopefully I won't end up regretting for some reason. I think it will be helpful if the show gets picked up. I'd be traveling a lot and some distance for a while would probably give me a little more perspective on what the deal is with Trish and I at this point. Last night I put new budgets together for trips to Chicago and Palm Beach for the new book. To save money, I'm going to bite the bullet and drive to Chicago instead of flying. It turns out to be 'only' a 12 hour drive each way, which is do-able. I need to find someone with a boat to take me out on the Illinois river to catch the invasive fish that I need for that chapter. I'm going to drive to Florida as well, although that is a 15 hour drive to Palm Beach and I'll need to break it up into 2 days. Probably stopping in Savannah, since I've always wanted to see it. I wish I had someone to come with me on trips like this. I wish I had a co-conspirator. A pretty one. I couldn't drag Trish out for this if I wanted to. In the first place, she isn't really interested in any of it. I've given up even trying to tell her about what I do. In the second place, she'd just be complaining the whole time. She does not deal well with doing anything in the woods or on the water. Not at all a lover of nature. It all has to wait for the book advance to show up. I should have had both of those trips done by now but these fuckwits in publishing do everything at a snail's pace. God forbid they spend 5 minutes looking at a change to a contract and email a .pdf of it the next day. No, they have to spend a month doing nothing and then send unsigned hard copies of shit through the mail through 3 different people like this is the 19th century. There is nobody for me to talk to any more. All of the people whom I used to confide in have scattered and gotten wrapped up in things that make them essentially inaccessible. Maybe its also my fault for not making more of an effort to stay in touch for the last 6 months or so. I'm just so sick of being alone. Three different people stopped me on the street yesterday to say that they heard my piece on NPR. That was nice. I didn't even know one of them. If Trish and I end up separating at some point, I think that I would be a total disaster. There is this whole 'single people' culture and set of norms and rituals that I don't know a fucking thing about. I have never been single in my entire adult life. I got engaged when I was 17 and have been with the same woman ever since. I have no idea how any of that shit works. And I'm pretty sure that anyone I'd be interested in would be pretty horrified with me. I'm politically liberal, pro-gay rights and pro-animal rights, and dating or marrying a conservative would not work out. But I'm also professionally a hunter and gun-tinkerer and the women who should be more my type are going to be freaked out by that. I don't even really belong to this century or even the last one. I don't watch TV or movies and have practically no understanding of the usual touchstones of modern American culture. I'm all in favor of feminism and yet I compulsively have to open doors and pay for meals and change tires and fix the furnace and do all of the other things that men were traditionally expected to do, which seems to piss a lot of women off nowadays. It definitely pisses off the kind of women I would be interested in. My whole idea of how to act mostly comes out of 150 year old books that I read when I was a kid. I am an anachronism. This is probably helpful in the sense of providing infotainment to the world but I'm not the sort of person that anyone would want to date. And I don't think that I would even want to 'date.' Everything I hear about that whole deal is just so heartbreaking. Finding someone and deciding to involve her in your life and then for some reason you dump her or she dumps you and she is suddenly gone, and you're supposed to find someone else and do it all over again. And this is expected to go on for years. People must really hate each other and themselves to keep doing this. I don't have the stomach for it. I couldn't throw someone away once I'd brought her into my life like that. I think that if I was suddenly single I would essentially be looking to get married again as quickly as possible. The best thing would be to make things work as they are. I just don't know how to make that happen with someone whose sexual orientation now seems to exclude both herself and me. Some time in the next few months I have to lock this diary up. I'm becoming too high profile to keep taking the risk of having this here. Among other things, it would take a long-time reader of this diary all of about 5 minutes on google to figure out who I am. Nobody else does all of the things that I've written here about doing. Not that I expect there are any long-time readers still reading. I keep looking at this computer screen like its going to give me some sort of answer. Like there is some link I can click on that is going to be the solution to my need for happiness. I keep my gmail account logged in and open as if someone is going to suddenly want to chat me and have something nice to say. Its not going to happen. Nobody is coming. I'm just going to be alone. Maybe this bodes well for my writing career. There weren't many great writers who seemed especially happy when you get right down to it. But I think maybe I'd rather be happy than great. And I'm really not happy right now. I'm depressed and alone and I have no idea what my short or long term futures will consist of. There are a million people around me all asking me for something and yet nobody seems to have anything to offer in exchange. I want to throw myself off a cliff. I want to stand up and walk out of this room and not come back. 2:10 p.m. - 2010-06-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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