cellini's Diaryland Diary

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And the Dead Keep It

Plans have solidified today. I am pursuing the man who murdered my grandmother with a vengeance this summer. I owe this much to my grandfather. I have a list of people to interview, one of whom may have heard a confession many years ago.

I swear that I will avenge her death and the deaths of 5 of her children. I will do this in memory of the man whom I buried yesterday.

___________

Montreal. Bah. I am unimpressed with Montreal. This city, this province and perhaps this whole country has a small penis complex. They cannot shut the fuck up about the United States. They seem to think that there is some sort of rivalry, which of course America does not even notice is supposed to exist. We *like* Canada. For their part, they think that there is a rivalry which goes unnoticed on our end.

Penis envy is always a one way street.

There is a huge backlog of email for me since I left for the north and the funeral. Class stuff and reporters and something from Mary asking me to take her out somewhere. Just her and I in private. Trish had asked me to do that as well. They have conspired, I think. She wants me to take Mary out and fuck her.

I seem to be owed a lot of money. My publisher still owes me $20K in 2 installments and I am supposed to get at least $5k from my grandfather's estate.

The Discovery channel people keep asking me shit. Looks like I'm still in the running for a TV show.

$5k inheritance could finance a bunch of trips. Half of that could cover the sample chapters for the new book and the other half could get me a long way towards putting H0rsman behind bars and avenging my grandfather.

Someone tried to chat me up today. I spent the day hanging out in an intensely gay neighborhood so that is what I get. He asked what I do.

Ha. How the fuck could I answer that question now? Who would ever believe it?

'I'm a subsistence hunter, author and hunting instructor, and I might have a TV show in a few months, but I'm also on a sworn mission to hunt down and destroy the man who murdered my grandmother and 5 of her children 40 years ago.'

But all I really want is someone to love.

Nobody would fucking believe that I even exist. If I was invented in a book, I would be implausible.

No one would believe that I exist as I am. I am nothing. When I was 17 I was something that could be loved. I was exactly what I appeared to be. No wonder that I was taken then. Today, I am nothing. I kill to eat. I don't belong in this world any more. I am brutal and worthless. An anachronism.

I want to destroy H0rsman. I found out that he has killed since the fire. There are also copies of the thing he stole after the murders, and I have been promised those copies. He killed at least 1 woman since the fire (and got away with it) and he assaulted one other with intent to kill. Not very long ago. He will kill again if he isn't put away.

In the last few days I've gotten the names of a list of people who can help and hopefully they will be what I need to put H0rsman in prison. The mechanics of the investigation are pretty obvious. I do not need to be especially brilliant to make this work. I will have to do things that are socially unacceptable in order to bring this to a conclusion.

I... am not good. I want to be. But I keep trying and there is nothing about me that anyone wants. If I can do this then I will know that I did at least something worth doing. At least the dead will know it.

10:09 p.m. - 2010-06-22

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