cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh Dear. Well, that was quite a day. We spent something like 5 or 6 hours drinking together and bar-hopping. Yeah, so, um, pretty much exactly. She's basically in love with me and its a whole thing. I could never be angry or annoyed with someone for being in love with me. It is what it is. Trish has been on the phone with her for the last hour and a half. They are lining up some kind of sleep-over and girl event. I am pretty sure that Trish knows what's up. In fact, I got the impression that she and Mary have had some very frank conversations about the situation, and Trish seems ok with Mary being in love with me. In fact, she is constantly trying to throw me at her. Trish keeps telling me to meet her privately for a drink or something and when I told her I'd spent the day with Mary she said "oh good, finally!" I'm not sure that Mary knows that Trish is in love with her and I think that F. is still oblivious to all of this. She talked A LOT today about how sexually incompatible she is with F. and about how she and I are perfectly matched, sexually. And I'm sure she's right. And I'm sure that we could have all sorts of fun. But she is MARRIED TO F. If she was married to someone who I didn't know, or if she was single, or if she was married to a douchebag, or to someone who was fine with her doing whatever then I'd jump right into bed. But that is not the case. F. would flip out and cry if we did anything and so I'm not going to do it. Nor do I want to say that explicitly, because I am now worried that she will leave F. partially in order to be able to say that he isn't in the picture anymore in order to have sex with me. Also with Trish. I got the distinct impression that she wants to have sex with both of us. At the same time. Which is great - I have no problem with that except that it would break F.'s heart. She reiterated in person this whole thing about how reconnecting with me after all of those years is what made her start to question whether she should be with F. While looking deeply into my eyes. Fucking hell. Yes, she is hot. Yes, I want to fuck her. But I mustn't. And it is very frustrating, because Trish has not been putting out at all. In fact, I'm not sure we have had sex since August. Its not that I have the slightest problem with having sex with someone other than Trish. She's fine with that and I'm fine with that. I just can't do that to F. I got no work done today. I spent this entire day dealing with the drama of Mary having this big crisis and falling in love with me and so forth. Hell, she didn't just fall in love with me. She's been in love with me since I was about 9 or 10 years old. She just forgot for a while. At the end of the day it isn't really up to me. As Robert Heinlein wrote, if a woman's gonna, she's gonna. If she insists under the right circumstances then I do not have a choice. In spite of all conviction about what is right and wrong and a horrible idea, I will be completely powerless to resist if she decides to actually put the moves on me in some private setting. All she has to do is climb on top of me, kiss me, and put her hand down my pants and I will do pretty much whatever she wants. Maybe this makes me a horrible person but I have never been remotely capable of saying no to a direct assault like that. Oh fuck, I can hear Trish talking to her right now on the phone in the other room and she is explaining 'Sex at Dawn' and making the case for sexual non-monogamy. I'm all in favor of this but NOT BEHIND F'S BACK. Jesus, what the fuck are they going on about now? Polyamory and shit. If Mary was single then she would make a great girlfriend for us. That would be nice. A joint girlfriend. This is a really weird situation. They are talking about fertility now. What? Oh fuck. I think they are discussing something very particular now. Just to make things even weirder, Mary and F. are trying to get pregnant and it looks like F.'s equipment might be the problem. And here I am with my proven fertility and so forth... Fuck fuck fuck. 11:28 p.m. - 2010-10-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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