cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bang to Rights it Seems Tonight Fundamentally, my problem is that I'm stuck with someone who hasn't shown the slightest interest in fucking me in over 3 months. Where, I have to wonder, does she think that is headed? A week from now the NYT will run another article about me and I will, again, get about 500 emails in the space of 2 days. I will get, like last time, TV show offers and book deal inquiries which this time I am prepared to entertain from a position of strength. Where does she think that her life and my life are about to go? I got an email from my producer and they are going to let the Times link to the pilot for the show. A lot of things are about to happen. My life will change again a week from now just as surely as it did last time this happened. More surely, if anything. Trish, you stayed behind while I kept going. I don't know what to do here. Things are going to change when this article runs and then pretty soon after that I'm leaving for Brooklyn. A new chapter of my life is going to start and I can feel it. I can smell it. These last 6 weeks have been the arpeggios before the new verse. I know that change is out there waiting for me with the new moon. And I think that its going to be change without her. She's left me in spirit already. There's no touch. No reaching across the bed to feel that I'm there. I keep waiting for someone who's not there. Waiting for someone to want me but that someone's not there. Its a little scary. I can see that I'm about to walk out to somewhere where I'm going to be completely alone. Nobody waiting for me. No one who wants me. Just an empty bed in an apartment I don't know about yet. I don't know what that's like. I've never been alone before. But she doesn't want me anymore. I can tell that much. She'll be afraid to be without me, but that's got more to do with paying the mortgage and buying groceries than anything else. And I'll keep taking care of that for her all right. *Me*, she doesn't seem to want or need anymore. I don't know what that's like. Not really. Still listening to 'Bang to Rights' on repeat. Maybe next week the show is getting picked up. Maybe next week the new book is getting bought and some publisher writes me a check for a big advance. And I'll have a winter of safety for my children. And an apartment and the bills paid for the next year. But there still won't be a woman who genuinely gives a shit whether I live or die. And I'm not sure that I will ever have that. 10:59 p.m. - 2010-10-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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