cellini's Diaryland Diary

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The Point is that I want a Fucking Nobel Peace Prize

I feel like kind of an asshole for not answering email that was sent to me days or up to a week ago, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? I'm insanely busy and these aren't people I even know for the most part.

Project snail has moved along even more.

Today was mostly a work day. Ida got picked up by the school bus and then a little over an hour later Harry was picked up by my father-in-law to spend the day and sleep over. Bob is very eager for me to have the opportunity to finish this batch of revisions of the deer book, because he is the illustrator for that book and it doesn't go to illustration until all of the text edits are done. Which also delays his payday for the project.

I confess to going back to sleep and then waking up and watching porn before actually getting to work. But then I did get to work and spent hours and hours and hours totally engrossed. I would look at the clock and then look up again and it would feel like 10 minutes had passed but it would really be 2 hours. Once I get going, I am really good at buckling down and writing.

Ida came home at about 3 pm and she said she wanted to stay here with me and promised not to get in the way. So I didn't take her to her grandparents' house and she was in fact very good all evening. Especially for a 6 year old.

After she gets on the bus tomorrow I have the day up until 3 pm to get work done. It is possible that I will get all of this done by then, but I doubt it. I'll need to get another 2 hours of sleep after she gets on the bus, plus I needs an hour or more for coffee and breakfast and dealing with email and at least glancing at the news.

Also we only seem to have $60 until the end of the month. No, I'm not missing a zero there. $60. For gas, food, bills, heating oil, etc. I am so fucked. In less than a month I'm supposed to be getting on a boat or something to Eleuthera. I'm still over 30 days away from getting the rest of this book advance. I might have to, sadly, pull the trigger on the little bit left in my retirement account. It is only going to get colder and we need to heat the house somehow.

This was a horrible, horrible time for Trish to take off and leave the state for a week. Right when I need to finish these edits to get that advance, and right when I need to be polishing and sending off the sample chapters to sell the new book before the sheen of this recent publicity boomlet wears off.

She's not sent so much as a single email since she left. I have to say, when she's gone, I am always struck by the thought that her job is pretty fucking easy for the most part. My biggest problem when she leaves is trying to do my regular job at the same time as hers. I do laundry, I take care of the kids, I wash dishes. That shit is all fine. I'd love for that to be my only problem. Its all of this other shit where I desperately try to provide money for food, fuel, the mortgage, electricity, etc. that runs me fucking ragged.

I think that tomorrow I have to have that very difficult conversation with my stockbroker of 11 years where I explain to him that I need to cash everything out and have a check sent to me post-haste. I really don't think that I have another choice that will allow me to accomplish my long and short term goals. I need to provide for our basic needs for the next few months while I wait for the $8,500 that my publisher owes me, while also having money to cover the trip to Eleuthera for the new book and not having to be concerned about how Trish and the kids are managing financially while I am gone.

Yeah, its not going to be an easy conversation.

I was on the cover of the local weekly last week and I didn't even know it until afterward. Christ, its all so ridiculous. I get stopped by total strangers who recognize me. I get fucking fan mail. I get phone calls from some of the most influential news organizations in the world, and yet I only have $60 to provide for a family of 4 for the next 3 weeks.

This had all really better pay off. Seriously, I have taken a step right the fuck off into the unknown here. If I fail then I'll be heralded as a complete idiot. If I succeed then it will be a classic example of the enterprising entrepreneur (is that a tautology?) putting everything on the table in order to realize the Great Dream and make wonderful things happen. So much of it is pure chance either way, and yet history will turn it into an object lesson either way.

Oh wait, no. History will only notice if I succeed.

Christ, I have to succeed. I have wonderful books in mind to follow the new one. I have a whole evolution as a writer in mind. A whole possible path to a Nobel Peace Prize. I'm dead serious about that. I want to win the Nobel Peace Prize and I have set a course towards doing that. I only ever told Erin about that and I think she thought it was stupid and probably I shouldn't have told her. But that is my life's goal and I have a plan for how to do it.

What do you do if you win a Nobel Peace Prize before you are 40? The rest of your life must be awkward. That is a tough act to follow.

10:55 p.m. - 2010-11-04

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