cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She Came Out of the Closet She came out. Of the closet. This morning. Trish is gay. Not bisexual, not curious. She is a gay homosexual lesbian. Thank God. Seriously, this is such a huge fucking relief to me. Because she had become impossible to be with over the last few years. She demonstrated absolutely no affection for me and lost all sexual interest. Something was going to have to happen one way or another because I was not prepared to live like this forever. This is the most graceful possible way out of the situation. She made this huge, teary deal out of it this morning. Our both being hung over didn't help any. We were laying in bed and it took her a solid 20 minutes to finally get enough words out of her mouth to make her point. She started out by saying, "I'm sexually confused," and then it took her so long to explain that I thought this was going to be something really fucked up, like that she wanted to fuck horses or something. But no, she just wants to fuck women. So there it is. She's old enough and has put enough years of thought into this that its not some passing phase. She had girlfriends in high school and has had sex with quite a lot of women (which I already knew about) so its not like she needs to experiment to find out if she likes women. What it all boils down to is that I am now a free agent. I am going to be single for the first time since I was 16 or 17 years old. And I have no idea how any of it works. We aren't going to change everything right away. Especially since we have kids. I think this is going to be a long series of small steps. Next weekend she is going out to a lesbian club by herself. Probably she'll join some sort of group or something. As much as anything else she needs to learn how to take down the wall that she has been putting up in front of other women for years, and start acting like the lesbian that she is. She's already come out to a few friends. Probably she'll tell her sister next. I think it will be a while before she lets it be generally known. Maybe months? I don't know. I can tell that she is terrified of telling either her parents or mine. The word 'divorce' hasn't come up yet. And it shouldn't for a while. She has no means of taking care of herself at this point. She needs to get a job and start some new type of career. We aren't abandoning each other and neither of us is angry. But our relationship now formally consists of being very good friends who have children together. I don't want her to ever be completely out of my life. That was a hugely complicating factor when I was considering leaving her. There has been a big hole in my life for a long time that needed to be filled by someone. I have desperately needed a woman. Now it looks like in the long run I will be able to find a woman who has some actual interest in me, while also keeping Trish in my life. What the fuck are the kids going to make of this? I feel really bad for them. I want their lives to be happy, comfortable and stable. While neither of us is moving out any time soon (I cannot afford to maintain two households right now), this is still going to add an element of uncertainty to their lives. We had a lot of really good years together and we got two children out of the deal. So I don't feel like these have been wasted years with Trish. It was a good marriage and a productive one and now it winds down and ends. If it must end then I would rather it end like this than any other way. I'm not sure what my odds are of actually finding another woman any time soon. I don't know how to date. I don't know what the rules are. And I don't really want to date. What I want is for some lovely woman to simply show up and insert herself into my life. I know how to be a husband. I know how to take care of someone and to be with them for years and years and years. But I don't know how to fuck to date. I don't want this superficial ritual of posturing and dicking around. What I want is to skip straight to the part where I get to wake up to her every morning. Last night I drank too much and I feel nauseous right now. I'm going to try to fall asleep. 12:39 p.m. - 2011-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||