cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now What? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don't know how I'm even supposed to act with her now. Do I still kiss her goodbye when she leaves the house? I just don't understand what the boundaries are. I don't know whether I'm supposed to change anything that I do on any given day. What am I supposed to be saying or not saying? If a family member asks me something tomorrow about long-term plans, do I have to pretend that everything is still the same? When is ok for me to say, 'actually, we're going to be separated and living different lives next year'? She didn't tell her mother that she was gay today. But apparently she and her mother have been having this long series of 'serious' heart to heart discussions about the state of our marriage. Discussions which must necessarily be completely pointless, since she failed to point out to her mother the fact that she is a lesbian. It seems that our marriage has been a hot topic of conversation for her whole family. Right now, I look like the asshole. I will continue to look like the asshole who is causing all of the problems until she gets up the nerve to tell them that she is gay. Am I entitled to out her on my own? Because right now I am paying a personal price for her to be in the closet. This sucks. This really, really sucks. It beats every other way to end a marriage, but it still sucks. I don't want this to be happening. I fixed the washing machine. If I can get enough money for this then I'd like to move ahead with the plan I had been considering anyway. Buy or build a new house with separate but connected living quarters. We could live in our own spaces but the kids would be able to run back and forth all they want. While I don't have a problem with continuing to live with her for the time being, this living situation would tend to put off any other woman from wanting anything to do with me. Or her, perhaps. I just don't want to throw her away. Even if we're not going to be having sex any more. I am completely alone. 7:44 p.m. - 2011-01-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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