cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like Watching Someone Die This feels like someone is dying. I don't want to divorce or separate. Why should we have to change everything? She can have a woman on the side and I can as well and we can keep living together and have everything except for regular sex with each other. One of the parts that is really bothering me about this is that she seems to have no desire to publicly come out to all of our friends and family. She doesn't want to tell her family at all. What the fuck? You're either gay, straight or bi. Just fucking own it already. We are not separating or divorcing while keeping her in the closet. Not going to happen. I will personally out her if she tries to pull that. And I don't mean this as a threat. Its that I will look like a complete asshole to everyone if we separate without her gayness being known. I'll be seen as the guy who quit his job and did something horrible to chase his wife off with 2 little children in the picture. I just don't want to leave her. I don't want to split up. I'm supposed to take care of her forever. This is my duty. She can have sex with women and then come back home to me. I feel completely broken right now. Somehow I'm supposed to write half a dozen gun reviews tonight, and finish a cooking chapter, and re-write the book proposal for the new book. Today I got written up in the New York T1mes. Its supposed to be a happy and productive day. But I can't write. I can't think. I can't focus. I don't know how I'm supposed to work like this, but I have to because we need money NOW to pay a $600 health insurance premium tomorrow. Fuck. Like I didn't have enough problems to deal with as it was without this steaming hunk of shit dropped into my lap. Please, no divorce. How could she want to do this to us? And to our kids? She doesn't have to choose between being married to me and having sex with women. She's NEVER had to make that choice. I've always told her that she is free to do as she pleases, so long as she isn't betraying me in some way and she comes home. Its just so fucking stupid. For almost 16 years she has been emotionally attached to and dependent on me, a man. She has been perfectly happy to sleep with me and hold hands and puke on my shoes and spend all of my money and so forth. None of that was abhorrent to her. She's just not very into sex with men. Ok, fine. So lets just keep all of the other things that *do* work. There is a lot more to marriage than sex. Go ahead, date women and find a girlfriend. 2:50 p.m. - 2011-01-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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