cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Unmarketable Skill I... Its just a stupid, lonely existence that I'm leading in many respects. There's all of this fan mail. This shit that piles up. The people from all over the country who pin their hopes and dreams on me. The people who think they've found some great new way to live and they want a guru. And I'm no fucking guru. All I want is a woman on the couch next to me. Someone with her head on my shoulder right now. Why can't she be that? I don't really ask much. I rented a house for her. I spent the last month lining up a new house and signing a lease. We're moving in the middle of March. I'm abandoning a house and a mortgage for her. She hates this house so I got her another one. In the process I am letting go of everything I worked for here. The workshop that I built. My credit rating. Everything here will be gone. I won't own land anymore. I did this for her but it doesn't mean much to her. Oh, it means a lot in the sense that she values it and is looking forward tremendously to moving into the new house. But it doesn't translate into any particular gratitude. It doesn't invoke any special behavior in her, towards me. Its like throwing a washed-up starfish into the sea. A good thing to do, but the starfish will never say a prayer for you. Hell, it would probably hate you for touching it. Yeah, and here I am throwing more sacrifice and burden out into a world and a woman who don't give a shit. And I've started to think that I was a fucking idiot to have not just let her go when she was ready to go. If we didn't have kids then probably I would have. Where would it have gotten me, though? There are no waiting arms. This weird thing with Heather has only driven home the fact that I don't know how any of that shit works. I'm 32 years old and since I was 17 I've been giving everything I have to the same woman. I don't know how to date. I don't know the rules. I don't want to not call and then text and pretend one thing when I'm thinking another. All I really know how to do is to devote myself completely to making a woman happy. And that just isn't a skill that the market seems to reward. 12:56 a.m. - 2011-02-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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