cellini's Diaryland Diary

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In Which I Literally Teeter on the Edge of Total Collapse

Just when it looked like things were about as bad as they could be, they got worse.

Trish drove my car to the old house yesterday to pick up some stuff and then the car wouldn't start when she tried to leave. It wouldn't take a jump, either.

So now, as bad as it was with only one very small car, now we have no car. In the middle of a move from one rural house to another. We're out of milk and I have no way of getting to a grocery store. Since we are now outside of Ida's regular school district she is supposed to be driven to school. I have no idea how she is going to get to school on Monday morning.

This is nightmarishly bad. I have no money. A few hundred dollars meant to pay for a moving truck for a few hours and for some groceries until the end of the month. Nowhere near enough to fix either car, or to rent one, let alone buy one.

The horror of this situation might be difficult to comprehend. No more pre-school for Harry. No way to buy food. No way to work. I'd say that Trish should just go get a full-time job immediately, but how? How would she get to job interviews, let alone to work every day? There are no buses or public transportation out here.

This is the kind of situation that destroys peoples lives and literally causes homelessness. I have nothing left to tap. IRA and savings are all gone. There are a few things left that I could sell and maybe raise $1,000 to $1,500 dollars, but that would still take a few weeks of listing stuff on eBay and so forth. In a few weeks I will already either have killed myself or robbed a bank.

I don't really sleep any more. Maybe 3 or 4 hours a day. Usually after the sun has risen for a few hours. Its been over a week since I was able to sleep all night. I don't see that getting any better. I just can't sleep any more. I have too much to worry about.

Now I'm sitting in this big empty house with no furniture and no food and I literally want to kill myself. I literally want to step in front of a truck as it drives past the house and just end this whole thing.

5:57 a.m. - 2011-03-19

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