cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Countdown

I won't use a firearm because that would just be a bad message. But I wish that there was something just as instant and reliable as that.

There's nothing tall enough to jump off of. I can't think of any medication in the house that would do the job instantly.

Then there is the discovery issue. I don't want anyone related to me to have to discover anything really unpleasant.

Not that Trish would give a shit. She probably wants me dead anyhow. The woman is shockingly unaffectionate towards me. I think that she really and truly did want to leave me forever a few months ago and my working with her to get her to stay was just pointless. I don't believe that she really feels the slightest bit of affection towards me. Its like being married to a hunk of granite.

I just don't have anything left. A bad book deal and some debt. If my agent hadn't have fucked up so horribly and screwed me over. If the economy hadn't gone so badly. If, if, if. Yet here I am. I just want it all to stop now. The only way that I finally got myself to sleep for a couple of hours early this morning was by thinking of it all fading to gray forever. Everything just stopping. And its not that I want it to stop -- I would rather live. Its just that I don't see any likelihood of anything really good happening from here on out.

10:24 p.m. - 2011-04-11

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