cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Only Romantic I eat at least one clove of raw garlic every day, in one form or another. I only eat the heels of a loaf of bread because the proper slices should be reserved for my children. I crave orange juice but rarely drink because, again, it is too expensive to take for myself when the children need it. Never ever do I drink soda at home. I drink one mug of coffee a day and otherwise only water. Often I will squirt some lime juice into the water, if available. I eat, on average, one or two meals each day. Mostly meat when I've killed and butchered something recently. Lately its been a lot of snapping turtle meat. Otherwise mostly vegetables and potatoes. I cook with wild onion a lot, probably four or five times each week. I eat a lot of wild plants personally, though I try to have better stuff from the grocery stores for Trish and the kids. I cannot remember the last time I ate a meal at home of pre-prepared or processed foods. While I should spend more time lifting weights and I am not getting any cardio exercise at all lately, I am still in excellent physical shape overall. Trish is fat now. Too fat. I can tell that she worries about it, which she should. She is now unattractive and unhealthy. All she has to do is fucking eat less food. Why is this such a challenge? Stop shoving food into your fat pie-hole and you won't be so fat any more. Problem solved. It bothers me a great deal that she is getting fatter and fatter while I sacrifice things like orange juice and bread in order to provide for her and the kids. I respect her less than I used to. She hasn't finished a single story in the months since she was supposed to be producing original material. I think its ridiculous. She seems to have given up on being a serious writer. I have trouble finding any measure of respect for her at all any more. I've been dealing with insomnia for so long that getting four hours of sleep feels perfectly adequate to me these days. My only worry is that eventually the dark circles under my eyes could become permanent, damaging my prospects for a TV show that pays well. I am not fussy or vain about my looks, but it is a fact that people keep wanting to give me a TV show in part because they think that I am attractive and telegenic and if my face goes south then I will have lost a significant asset that could hit me financially. Sometimes I go so long without contact with the rest of the world that my voice sort of goes. When this happens and then I have to teach a class or something like that, I find myself growing hoarse within only minutes of starting to speak. I speak a great deal in my mind and I am never at sea in terms of having an idea of how to put something intelligently, but my physical voice simply disappears from lack of use. We have not had cable or broadcast television reception in many years. Its just too expensive. I have not watched television in the conventional sense at home in something like five or six years. Sometimes I watch a documentary film on the internet but otherwise I do not tend to see any television shows or movies. I see a movie in a theater maybe once a year at most. There is only one currently airing television show on any network that I have ever watched in my life. I realize that there are many very good things on television these days, but those things are just not available to me. Instead, I have a massive personal library of books, including hundreds of titles that I haven't gotten around to reading yet. I don't know that I would go so far as to call my life monastic, but it is surely meager. I have had to deny myself most of the basic things that the vast majority of other Americans enjoy, regardless of income. I don't feel very much a part of the culture or experience that the other inhabitants of this continent are part of. I don't see your TV shows or movies, I don't eat your food, shop at your stores (I have not bought new shoes in five years, and even that last time was a pair of boots online), play your video games or drive your cars. On those rare occasions when I come into direct contact with the world that anyone reading this probably lives in, it is like visiting a foreign country. There was no deliberate decision to drop out of America. It simply happened, bit by bit, mostly out of a need to survive but also in some ways due to personal preference. When I visit modern America now it seems mostly very false. I find myself bombarded with advertising and demands for money from every direction. I see a decedent culture that is in total denial of the poverty and suffering that is right in the middle of it. And I just don't want to be a part of that culture any more. The internet is now my sole connection to the modern world. The few friends whom I talk to or see regularly have dropped out in similar ways. A blacksmith, an herbalist, a carpenter and other types like that. We have been forced to live apart from modern America for so long that we no longer understand it and no longer want to. Your food tastes strange and sickly sweet to us. We are lost and broken and probably irredeemable. I do not claim that there is anything great about us. The fact that we see what is wrong does not make us right or anything other than romantic. 3:02 a.m. - 2011-05-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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