cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Stupid Senate Thing A bunch of horseshit today from my agent that amounts to her being a fucking retard and there being no way that I'm going to see any of the money I'm owed until next week at the earliest. Right now I would say that I'm just about hitting bottom. We're out of dog food and I don't have anything to feed them. For the kids, we have water, 5 slices of bread and 2 slices of shitty processed cheese. Also a bunch of condiments. Health insurance is gone. We have maybe 3 gallons of gas left in the sole working car. The electricity will be turned off next week. My laptop is broken. The power jack is broken off and I can only get it to charge now and then. I unloaded on my agent today. I got really, really nasty and a little bit personal. Her total failure to do her job is the reason I am in this situation. I told her that as of now I'm looking for a day job and that if I find something before I'm paid then the book is canceled. I will not deliver the second book and I will not be available for promotion of the first book. This evening I started sending out emails looking for work. I wasn't bluffing her. I'm ready to walk away from my writing career. These people are all just fucking retarded and can't manage to put a standardized contract in the mail and write a fucking check. Anywhere else in the business world this would have been a done deal within 7 days. In publishing, it takes six months because they're all a bunch of fucking trust fund idiots who don't know how to do business like grown-ups. I'm done. My children are hungry and I'm done. My oldest dog, who needed to be put down months ago, is steadily getting worse. She's had two strokes in as many weeks, can't keep food down and is skin and bones. She is incontinent and pisses everywhere constantly. She is 17 years old, can hardly stand up and now she has a serious eye infection. She needs to be euthanized immediately. But I don't have the money for gas to take her to a vet, let alone pay for the actual euthanasia. If I did have that money, I'd spend it on food or health insurance for the humans in my care. I'd been waiting and waiting for my book advance to come so that I could have her put down properly by a vet but this just isn't going to happen. I'm going to have to do it myself this weekend. This is not something that I'm looking forward to. I've been trying to figure out what is the most painless and stress-free way that I can kill her. I thought about taking her into the garage, closing the doors and laying her down on some towels and petting her until she falls asleep. Then I'd start the engine of the car and leave her alone in there for about half an hour. Carbon monoxide. However, I did some research and that could actually be pretty painful due to other things that are in the engine exhaust. Not having any appropriate drugs, what I'm left with is shooting her. This is horrible to comprehend but I don't see any other choice. I'll dig a grave for her and walk her over to it. We can sit there for a while and I'll pet her and talk to her. Preferably I'll wait until she falls asleep out there (she falls asleep easily). Then I'll stand up and put a bullet from my .38 special into her brain stem. I'm pretty certain that she won't even know that anything happened. The idea of shooting my dog is absolutely horrifying to me. The memory will probably haunt me for the rest of my life but she is suffering so much that it has to be done. And similarly, the fact that I have been forced into this situation where I have to shoot my dog by my own hand has caused me to despise my agent and my publisher with a white hot rage which I had no idea that I was even capable of. When this is all over, I think that the best revenge I can have will be to write and publish an account of this in vivid detail. Using their names. Could they sue me for something or other? Sure, but what do I care? I have already lost everything. What could they possibly take from a man who has been forced to spatter himself with his own companion's blood and to explain this act to his hungry children? ______________________ Yesterday Steve had a long, serious conversation with me. He is a venture capitalist who has long taken an interest in my goings-on. It seems that he and a group of like-minded investors are looking for an outsider candidate to back for either C0ngress or the open Senate seat next year. This sounds ridiculous. It is ridiculous. They want me to run for the United States Sen@te. They have about $1M in campaign financing lined up. I told Steve that nobody could win a Senate race in this state on $1M. An outsider candidate coming in with little name recognition would need at least $5M. He said that's ok - they don't care if I win the first time around. The idea is that I come in and affect the race and come out with an enhanced stature that allows a win in a future race. This has been done before, successfully. I spent 10 years working in politics. Writing speeches, crafting messages, coming up with policy proposals. Stumping for candidates. Serving as vice-treasurer of a Congressional campaign, running the regional office of J0hn Kerry's primary campaign for President, running publicity for the local party for 2 years. Lots of that sort of mid-level political stuff that keeps local and Congressional district politics going. Nothing really big-time, but I know how to campaign and how a successful political organization operates. From their perspective, they'd be getting a candidate who knows the state politics well, knows how to do retail politics, knows how to write and deliver speeches, has some ties to the business community, can claim to have run a small business, and can have hunters and gun owners' votes pretty well wrapped up. This Senate business is absurd, however. I cannot compete in a primary against the chair of the Dem0cratic National Committee. I would have next to zero chance of winning. More importantly, I live in abject poverty. This is what none of those people quite realize. I don't have food to eat tomorrow. How am I going to provide for a family while I'm running for office? And there's more that these people who are trying to get me to run don't understand. I am ruined and tarnished as a civilized man. The things I have had to do in order to survive. The experiences I have suffered and the way I've had to change my own hour to hour thought patterns in order to survive have completely alienated me from mainstream America. I am an animal. I am someone who is about to blow his own dog's brains out because I don't have $100 to pay a vet. As rational and practical as all of these decisions have been, what they all add up to is turning me into someone who has experienced too many horrible things that not many westerners have had to face since the Great Depression. I'm not like other people. I'm broken. You put me on the campaign trail now and I will literally be shoving hors d'oeuvres into my pockets at receptions. 11:40 p.m. - 2011-05-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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