cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Belonging That trip to Florida was a bit of a tough slog, surprisingly enough. When I write the chapter about that trip it will all sound fun and simple. The truth is that while these expeditions really are fun at times, it is all really a LOT of hard work. Yes, ok, I was in fact fishing for two days and hunting for one. But the pressure is phenomenal. Especially when I constantly have to worry about running out of money and getting stuck somewhere a thousand miles form home. I got three out of four species on my wish list, which is pretty damned good. I did the live radio show and hit it out of the park. It was *very* satisfying to have convinced the tourism bureau to provide me with two nights of free lodging in a high-end inn while I was getting the chapter done. Suddenly I feel very legitimate, which I know that I was anyway but it still feels good to be acknowledged like that. An organization has just sent me tickets to a big deal sort of tennis match in DC in August. I don't really give a shit about tennis, but Trish is a big tennis fan and again its just nice to be treated by the mainstream gatekeepers like someone who matters. I am definitely experiencing the benefits of having been a speaker at the conference I was at two weeks ago. Maybe I haven't said enough about that conference. You know, I've been to a ton of conventions like that when I worked in the insurance industry. I know how those things go, and in a certain way they all go the same regardless of industry. But at the 0WAA, I really really liked the other people there. For the first time at a big gathering like that I really felt like I belonged with all of the other people. I made a lot of friends very quickly. Everyone I met had most of the same interests that I do. We all mostly looked alike, even. Lean, tanned, and looking for every excuse to step outside and stare at whatever birds or insects were around. I haven't felt that sense of belonging since my first semester at H@mpshire C0llege, or maybe even the y0ung writer's w0rkshop that I attended in the summers during high school. I took third place in the after-hours push-up contest. This will not happen again. I swear that I will win first place next year. Already I am in training. Today I had a few phone calls with people at PBS about doing a show with them. They are really interested and want to see about doing something, but they don't want to act as production partners. Fuck. This means I have to go back to dealing with one of several production companies, which I am fucking sick of. My homecoming from Florida was bittersweet. It was good to be home and nice to see the kids again, but Trish is just no sort of comfort or spouse. She won't really touch me. It was a mistake to keep trying. This marriage is not going to last. At some point we're going to have to formally recognize that. We have no common interests aside from our children. She is clearly not attracted to me, nor to men in general for the most part. We get along very well but it is only as very close friends. I know that we need to separate somehow. Part of my hesitation to make any moves in that direction come from the fact that I continue to have no idea how to be single. I haven't been single since I was around 16. And I just don't even know how to tell if someone is actually interested in me. A woman was showing me her photos of gators in Florida a few days ago at a state park where I was fishing and taking pictures and we were talking about egrets and so forth for a while and then afterward George was going on about how she was really into me. But really? I mean, I assumed that she was just interested in alligators and egrets and wanted to talk about them. I have no ability whatsoever how to tell the difference. It seems rude to assume that just because a woman is talking to me, she wants something more. And I do abhor rudeness. I worry that even when wholly single (rather than my present status, which is that I'm allowed to pursue pretty much anything I want), I will end up completely alone for years. Being slightly famous only makes things harder to understand. People want to talk to me a lot just because they've heard of me and because my job is getting into all sorts of weird adventures and I have neat stories about that. I just cannot tell the difference between that sort of idle 'hey I've heard of this guy!' shit versus 'hey I want to jump into bed with him!' And I don't want to be an asshole to a woman who is just interested in talking about my work. Like I said, I just don't understand how to be single. Or more accurately, how to stop being single. I am ready, right now, to find a girlfriend and start moving on with my life in that respect but I'm just completely fucking hopeless. I just want someone pretty and intelligent with a substantial sex drive to show up and announce herself into my life. It feels so strange and difficult to wake up each day and push myself through the things I have to deal with in order to make this career work, when I have nobody but myself as motivation. I desperately wish that I had a woman who could help with all of this. 12:34 a.m. - 2011-07-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||