cellini's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Fearful, The Ridiculous

I suppose that there are times in the life or even in the day of any great man or woman when he or she wonders whether it is all just completely ridiculous and hopeless. Whatever seemingly great and important work that one is doing, whatever big idea, it all seems very small and stupid at times.

This is, unfortunately, not to say that truly ineffectual and unimportant people cannot have the same misgivings. The fact of my doubts can be no salve against them.

What will it actually take to feel like I've really gotten somewhere? Maybe if the first book is a financial success and if the factory gets built. Then I will feel as though some lasting impact on the world will result from my existence. So far what I have is mostly very good press clippings, and a few hundred changed lives.

I find myself looking at various opportunities for good press with a jaded eye. So what? I am not what NPR or some magazine say that I am. I am what I accomplish.

Writing seems very toothless to me lately, which is a very dangerous attitude when one is a professional author. It seems pointless and ineffectual. But in the long run its not a bad substitute for immortality. If my books are good and if they sell and endure then there will be a little bit of myself around for at least some hundreds of years, if not longer.

The essential self is generally held back, though. The fearful and ridiculous self. Who would want to immortalize that? And yet without it, that's not much of the real man left.

11:56 p.m. - 2011-08-03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

metonym
mnemosynea
pipersplace
jendix

0 comments so far