cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Her Eyes are Green So. This past weekend. I picked her up from a metro stop outside of DC to avoid having to drive into that city with my guns in the car. We had a nice drive to PA together. I really liked very much having someone with me. Her, especially. We talked about Sweden and many other things. It really isn't all that important what we talked about. I liked very much having her with me. She knew so much about me. She'd even read my first book. She must have spent many days or weeks researching me. I like to do things for her. I like to make her happy. We stayed up late Friday night together. When we arrived at the condo there was one other woman staying there. Another author with my publisher. She assumed immediately that we were a couple and apologized for having claimed the master bedroom with its single large bed. She spoke of how nice we looked together and how jealous she was of our youth and our obvious compatibility. Neither of us corrected her. We both allowed her to assume that we were a couple for the entire weekend. It was silent and automatic on both of our parts. She knew that I was married, of course. She had done scads of research on me. And she asked about everyone and every facet of my life except about that. She never brought up Trish until I did. I think that says something. She knows now about Trish having come out to me as gay this past winter and she knows about the fact that we essentially live together like brother and sister raising children. I love the sound of her voice. The Swedish accent does it for me. I ask her to say the word, 'lutefisk' for me every night when we are going to sleep. We literally spend at least a cumulative hour or two every days just staring deeply at each other's eyes. She has green eyes that are a little bit blue. At first we would glance away when we got caught by the other but then we both stopped trying to hide it. I've never experienced anything like this in my life. She's like something out of a wild fantasy. A drop-dead gorgeous Swedish woman, a film-maker, former TV news anchor, 5'4", 100 lbs, perfect figure, astoundingly intelligent, who has already made award-winning films; and who is obsessed and fascinated with me enough to spend weeks studying me and to literally make it her thesis to follow me around for months. And I think that she might actually love me. How could this happen? Since when does the universe hand me something this spectacular and perfect? In the first place, only once in my life have I ever fallen in love with someone whom I actually got to even have a real kiss with. In the second place, that particular woman was very fun and pretty but ultimately nothing special intellectually or in terms of her personality or accomplishments. If this goes somewhere then I think this will be the greatest thing that has happened in my entire life. I don't get to spend a lot of time with very many people these days. Not for the last year while working on the new book. So I don't often get to see how other people see me. Helenah seems to consider me in the terms of who I am now and what I have accomplished. It took me some time for this to really sink in. To understand that in her eyes I am a successful author, a gifted writer who is writing socially and environmentally important books. To her I am the creator of a new social movement; a gifted speaker; a minor celebrity. Someone important who will become more important. I get so bogged down alone in worries about money that I haven't seen myself that way. Haven't seen myself really in terms of my actual accomplishments. But she has been showing me this new view of myself and then once the fair started I saw this through thousands of other people as well. The hundreds at a time who crammed into the room for my speaking appearance. The queue of people who came to my book signing. The congratulations and deference of other celebrated authors. The accolades of publishers and the applause of the crowds and the rapt attention paid by tables of important people at meals who grilled me for stories of my travel while working on the new book. I don't think that I would have really gotten it without Helenah. And I am completely in love with her. It is impossible that she does not realize this by now. I make her bed for her, bring her breakfast and sit close beside her. She adjusts my microphone attached to my shirt collar, straightens out my sleeve, and then rests her hand on my shoulder for a long moment while looking me in the eyes. I decided in the car on my way home tonight that she is getting kissed when we see each other on Wednesday. No matter what. I realize that this places the film and her thesis on jeopardy but I just need her. It is she who really has the most at risk here so I wish that she would say something or give some clear signal. She is everything that I have ever wanted in a woman. The creative partner I've always craved. The road trip companion. I want her very badly. Badly enough to make major changes to the arrangements of my life, if necessary. Did I mention that she was a TV news anchor in Sweden? She's 27. I am head over heels in love with her. My book has sold out completely. They had to rush another shipment in overnight and then that batch sold out the following day. My publisher's sales people assured me today that the book is selling extremely well not only at the fair but online and in bookstores as well. C@belas did in fact place a very large order. It looks like I can chalk this book up as a success. It is selling well enough that I will be able to sell the next book or two on its strength. Having Helenah and her additional cameraman along was very helpful for my image. Trust me, when you have a camera crew following you around everywhere you go, people start treating you differently. Especially when the director is a stunning Swedish blonde woman who constantly stops 6 inches away from you so that you can both stare into each other's eyes and wordlessly smile. Ok, so she's back home in DC and I'm home here and I can see that she's on Facebook and the only new things showing up on her status consists of 'liking' photos that I posted months ago. Which means that she is sitting there just combing through my photos. That seems like a good sign. I posted 2 photos that I took of especially nice flowers and honeybees today (or yesterday, since its after midnight), followed by a picture I took of her, followed by another flower. Is that subtle enough? She commented right away on the photo of her. She's clever. She must understand. It is past 2 am and I should go to sleep. My eyelids are burning a little - she woke me up at around 8 am this morning. I want to wake up to her every morning. 1:08 a.m. - 2011-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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