cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Hand On My Chest My chest has been the host to a parade of strange sensations for the last few days. Sometimes it feels like something is bouncing around in it. A fluttery feeling. My head is light and a little bit dizzy. I don't feel hunger. I can conjure up her scent in my mind. I can see her face right up close right now. Every detail. She presses in very close to my chest and fiddles with my microphone for far longer than it should really take to clip it to my collar and looks up at me with her green eyes and I meet her gaze and we both hold very still for a few seconds just looking at each other. She has a trace of a smile on her lips and her mascara is a little bit caked on her long eyelashes. She looks down and straightens my collar and rests her little hand on my chest for a moment and it is all that I can do to keep my knees from buckling. I want her. Above all else, I want this woman. Trish keeps asking me what the hell I'm sitting here smiling about. Every time I look at Helenah's picture or when I get an email from her. I don't really answer her. I have been completely honest with Trish all the way along about my interest in Helenah. But I haven't told her that I'm really in love. She knows that I think Helenah is hot and she knows that I chose her over all of the other filmmakers who have wanted to work with me because of the fact that I wanted to have sex with her. I never hid that. But now its not just about lust any more. I'm not sure when I'm going to break that to Trish. _______________ There is this part of me that still doubts it. I keep thinking that this is too good to be true. Because in the end, time and again, I have had nothing but heartbreak before I ever really got anywhere. Oh sure, I've gotten laid plenty. But not with the few women that I've really fallen in love with. The ones I've really been in love with, with one long-ago exception, I never got anywhere with. So I'm looking at this like Charlie Brown about to kick the football. I'm just astounded at the very idea that this woman could actually love me. The trouble is that I'm just fucking retarded. I'm so bad at reading these signals. Is it possible that she decided to follow me everywhere for months, sends me a dozen emails a day, stares into my eyes for no reason at all, sleeps in the same bedroom as me when there is another room available and takes every excuse to touch me; and doesn't have any romantic interest in me at all? Surely a woman of her extraordinary intelligence could not be so foolish. Surely she couldn't think that it would be a smart idea to act like this if she didn't want me. I wish that she would say something that would make it all clear one way or another. Because she has to know how I feel about it. ______________ Trish will be sad when she finds out. And I am sorry for that. But its possible that she will be happy for me. She was talking this past winter about wanting me to find a nice woman. She still admitted as recently as a few weeks ago that she has no sexual attraction towards me or any men she sees in real life at all any more. She keeps posting these ads on CL looking for women to date or have sex with, then she denies it, then reluctantly admits it. I keep telling her to stop fighting what she wants. Just accept who she is and do what she needs to do in order to be happy. Trish likes my company. She likes the fact that I take care of her. I have been a steady and comforting force in her life since we were both teenagers. But we are really more like best friends than husband and wife. When you subtract sex, subtract romance, and subtract and interests in common, there isn't much of a marriage left. There will be no lying. If I kiss Helenah and she kisses me back then I'll tell Trish what's going on right away. I'll do it kindly and I'm not going to walk out on her. But this isn't going to be open to debate. If she reacts badly then my response will be this: "You are gay. You are a gay homosexual lesbian. It is time for you to accept the fact that you are gay. You are still my best friend but I need someone in my life to be what you can't be and what you don't really want to be. "I am done with being locked in your closet." ___________
9:54 p.m. - 2011-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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