cellini's Diaryland Diary

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A Fine Line

The awful thing is that its probably one or the other and the die is probably already cast. Either she wants me or she doesn't.

What would it be like? To have a woman with me who actually loved me and traveled with me? An intellectual equal. Someone who creates things.

If I don't get Helenah, do I get anyone? Christ, she came out of nowhere. She sent me an email. I don't really meet people except at events and things where I'm on stage and they're just a parade of congratulatory faces.

Its no good being put on a pedestal alone. I wouldn't mind being everyone's fucking hero if I had someone.

It is a tenuous line between something and nothing. The edge of great success usually looks suspiciously like dramatic failure.

I don't want to fuck up her thesis. I know how important this is to her. She has this important meeting on Thursday to get final approval on it from her advisors at the University. I am her thesis. And if I push this to the point of clarity then I put her masters degree at risk. If I kiss her and she doesn't want me to then she is going to have to consider being uncomfortable around me for months while continuing to make a film about me for her school and thesis and for PBS.

I love her. I do. And I don't want to fuck her shit up. Which is what makes this whole situation difficult. Otherwise it would be a no-brainer.

I keep sitting here in front of my laptop and its almost 4 am. This is stupid. The answer to my problem is not on this computer. Nobody can help me except for Helenah. She is the only person who can clear this up for me. I want her to understand my intentions. That I'm not one more obnoxious American trying to pull the Swedish chick.

So much work to become what I have become. I have thousands of fans now and what the fuck is it good for? Ok, aside from book sales and TV deals.

3:37 a.m. - 2011-09-27

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