cellini's Diaryland Diary

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My Whole Life is Absurd

Facebook is now 'HelenahBook.' The only thing I'm using it for is to look at pictures of Helenah.

She sends me wonderful long emails now. I read them and imagine her speaking all of it in her Swedish-accented English. She tells me how her day went. Little things.

Trish is going through some sort of weird progression of reactions to everything that has been going on. She's getting mad at me today about Helenah because she says that this isn't just about sex. She says that I have a girlfriend. My response is that in the first place Helenah is not my girlfriend yet but holy mother fuck do I ever hope that we will get there. In the second place, just last month Trish was posting ads on CL looking for a girlfriend. Why is it that its ok for her to look for a girlfriend (behind my back) but its not ok for me to do the same thing?

She tried insisting that she wants a 'normal' and monogamous relationship again. I literally laughed at her. This from the woman who has fucked at least a dozen women since we have been together. She CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET TO ME on New Year's Day, told me she was gay and wanted a divorce. We then renegotiated the terms of our relationship and established that both of us are free to pursue whatever we want to with other people, with the caveat that neither of us is to make the other look bad. She fucked pretty much everything that moved for months. Meanwhile I didn't get laid at all. I sat at home while she went out and fucked strangers.

And then after she did that for a while she got bored with it. Then last month she started trolling for sex again. She posted personals ads looking for a girlfriend. She denied it and swore up and down that it wasn't her until I showed undeniable evidence and then she confessed.

After all of this, she tells me that we're suddenly monogamous and I'm not allowed to have a girlfriend or pursue Helenah?!?!

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! NO FUCKING WAY. YOU FUCKING CUNT.

She sucked a stranger's cock in the grocery store parking lot. She fucked under-aged girls two at a time in our bedroom. She was posting on Craig's List less than 4 weeks ago looking for a steady girlfriend. And she's going to tell me that we're suddenly monogamous?

Fuck you, you stupid, whiny whore. I have spent literally hundreds of thousands of dollars on your fat, unemployed, lazy ass.

So I didn't retreat at all. I explained in clear terms that I am pretty well entitled to this, that I want Helenah very much and that I will pursue her no matter what. Don't like it? Tough shit. This is my will. You have put me through hell for the last year and I am entitled to this.

I won't lie, I won't apologize, I won't back down.

Well, I don't really worry too much about any of that
Meanwhile the drama continues with my publisher over the particulars of my second book. They don't know how to handle it. My editor is completely fucking shit up and I just hope that she doesn't ruin it. She has no idea how to work on a book like this. I have someone perfect in mind who I want to do the cover but I know that they will fuck that up, too. They will want their in-house person to do it. I want T0ny F1tzpatrick to do the cover. Go look up his work and see if he wouldn't be the perfect artist to do a book cover for me.

I've gotten to know him a little bit, commenting on his blog while he comments back on mine (no, not this one silly. My real-name blog). His work, which incorporates text so well, would be perfect.

I am going to need a new publisher. Or a second publisher, I should say. They are handling the new book so badly that I don't want to give them another one of my adventure travel books. I am happy to keep doing how-to books with them and in fact I'm about to write another one for them. But I need two publishers. One for the instructional stuff and another for my more literary work. Shit is going to be awkward next year when I go hunting for that second publisher.

The how-to stuff will pay the bills nicely but nobody ever won a Pulitzer or a Nobel prize for that sort of thing. I need to keep writing the literary stuff if I'm going to make a real mark on history. I WANT A FUCKING NOBEL PRIZE. No, I'm not fucking kidding. My goal is to win the Nobel Peace Prize, though I'd probably settle for the prize in literature. I am dead serious about this.

Am I crazy? Maybe. But being the kind of guy who demands that life provide him with the Nobel Peace Prize has gotten me this far and I'm not about to stop here. Its a question of a whole sort of life that I am working to create.

By the way, that whole thing with nailing the guy who murdered my grandmother and most of her children is moving forward really well. Its just such a huge plot that I don't even know how to cover it here. We had news on that today and I told Helenah about it in an email and then instantly regretted it.

Seriously, how do you explain that? You can't. Especially amid all of the other shit that swirls around and comprises my life. What the fuck was I thinking? Who could even believe any of that? That I am hunting down the man who murdered my father's mother plus 5 of her children. That I have the goods on him and that I am going to fucking nail him and throw him in prison, but I have to do it before he dies of natural causes.

Nobody would believe it. Its ridiculous.

I leave it out of here for months on end. But in the midst of all else I'm also this guy on a mission to avenge the murder of my father's family, carrying the inherent burden of the eldest son of the eldest son.

And with this little gem, I probably lose anyone with half a brain. Because it sounds absurd.

MY WHOLE LIFE IS ABSURD.

11:03 p.m. - 2011-09-30

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