cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Idea They Don't Really Want Yeah, like I said in my last post my life is absurd. Ever wish your life was more romantic? Like people in books or on TV? Well fucking stop it right now because it fucking sucks. I've spent the last two years trying to nail the man who murdered my grandmother. I've written and sold two books; have several others half-way done and my publisher wants them to keep on coming. I get fan mail every day. I get paid to speak in front of crowds. People line up for my autograph. I get profiled regularly by the New York Times. I have struggled, painfully, to reach this point. And I am painfully lonely and broken. This afternoon I realized that Helenah is really all I have to look forward to. Another book, another trip, another interview. I don't care about any of it any more. I'm just sick of being alone. Right now I'm watching the last episode of Mad Men that they have on Netflix and I know exactly how Don Dr@per feels. You do everything that you're supposed to. Work hard. Change people's lives. And where are you? Alone. I've been waiting years for someone to come along and Helenah is it. And without her, what? How long would I wait around for someone who would even want to fit into my life? There was one woman last year who could have fit into my life like this but I don't think she really wanted to. Other than that its been a flat nothing. And I don't want to live like this indefinitely. So I've been thinking more about 'Speak of the Dead.' If things don't work out with Helenah then I am tempted to square away the new book with my editor, finish 'Speak of the Dead,' and be done with it all. I just don't like living in this shitty, detached way any longer. I don't like traveling alone. I love her so much. I don't know what to do if this doesn't work out. I have nothing else but success to look forward to. This isn't something to wish for. Your book? Your big idea? Don't bother. You'll probably be happier if you keep your mouth shut. Women like the idea of the great man who leads people and changes the world. They like THE IDEA. In practice, nobody ever wanted to kiss something out of reach on a pedestal. 11:21 p.m. - 2011-09-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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