cellini's Diaryland Diary

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The Big Talk

Big doings last night.

Lots of long email between Helenah and I. Then she jumped me on gmail chat and we chatted for around two hours. We are now openly talking about traveling around the world together and writing books and making films or a TV show. Well beyond this movie she's making about me right now.

The conversation left very little in doubt. We're still sort of approaching it sideways but we both want each other badly.

Then came the really serious shit. Trish initiated a conversation about where shit is. She's not willing to publicly come out (in fact she is back to weakly denying her gayness, which is tough to believe since after all she did COME OUT to me and have lots of sex with women). But she is offering to let me go. We'd remain close and still consider each other family.

She can see the same story unfolding that I and everyone else can. She is being very good about all of this and I know hard this is for her. She recognizes the fact that she doesn't really desire me the way that I need her to and after almost 17 years together if it was going to happen it would have happened by now.

We decided to both think about it and see what happens over the next few weeks. The hardest part of all this would be our families rather than between each other. Her parents and mine. We're both very close with each other's family and I can just tell that they are all likely to hate me for this. Hell, her father is my illustrator.

I am hoping that she will change her mind about coming out. That would make everything so much easier with our families. Because then we won't have to deal with any anger or people asking what the hell is wrong with us. When one spouse is gay, that's that. Its a no-fault situation that people understand right away. Nobody will be angry at either of us if Trish takes the extra step and comes out.

This is a very hard thing. Its all so bittersweet.

As Trish said, its not fair for me to have to sneak around with Helenah or anyone else in secret. We've had an open marriage for a long time but in practice that has been very one-sided. Its easy for an attractive woman to get laid either through acquaintances or finding someone online. She's always been able to have sex whenever she wanted to. She's posted ads a million times and always has a flood of serious responses within hours. Nobody cares that she is married.

This isn't the case for me. It doesn't matter what I look like or what my personality is. Almost nobody wants to go near a married man.

And it really wouldn't be fair to Helenah at all. We are going to have to be sneaky for a while no matter what, because I am the subject of her thesis documentary and I think her professors would take a dim view of her being involved with me. But in the long run it would be shitty for her to have to hide me.

We don't want to hide each other. Hell, she's literally making a movie about me. Of course she wants to show me off to the world. And I want to show her off. Helenah is an incredibly impressive prize.

I'm not sure that I have much choice in what is unfolding any longer. This is a story with its own momentum and power. I can make decisions and influence the plot but I feel helpless to actually stop the story. I am compelled by powerful forces.

Like one bird in a flock of thousands when the rest of the flock takes off. That one bird will fly away with the flock. Even if there is a nice juicy worm right there in front of it. The urge is too powerful to resist. The animal is compelled to fly by instinct and by a pattern practically woven into the universe.

The force of this thing going on now is becoming that strong. My body feels like it is being physically tugged towards Helenah. This is a story that has been told so many times before and the fact of its being told so many times in history gives it a power that I cannot fight. The ability to reason does not free me from these influences any more than it frees me from gravity. When I'm thirsty I have to drink. When I'm tired I have to sleep. I need Helenah with a hunger every bit as elemental and irresistible.

I am sad, elated and resigned all at once.

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My gmail chat with her last night made me feel much better about the situation with her. We are now almost but not quite out in the open with each other about what is going on.

It is an epic, great thing. I will indulge in this thinking. A union of two creative forces. That is why I can't just bottle it up and go on living as usual. The two of us together can do important creative things. We are pure alchemy. It feels like more than just love.

Trish gets it. She understands that I need to do things with Helenah that I can't do with anyone else. She is preparing a guest room for Helenah right now. She's being a saint about it.

_________________

I need to hear the sound of her voice. I want to ask her to say 'lutefisk' for me again. She has little pauses and inflections in her speech. A cadence.

She comes from a little town on the eastern coast of Sweden. Her grandfather was a fisherman. Her father grew up fishing but didn't stay with it. She's lived in Nice, France, and spent a lot of time in Paris. She speaks Swedish, French and English very fluently and can get by in several others.

Don't break my heart. Don't break my heart. Don't say no.

I get to see her the day after tomorrow. I have her here overnight, sort of. I mean she will be here but I won't have her to myself. Trish and the kids will be around and the kids stay up fucking forever every night. It won't be a very romantic situation.

My eyes are closing. I am very sleepy. I didn't get much sleep last night. But I want to stay up later to see if Helenah gets on gmail chat so I can talk to her. Bah. I don't know whether I should go to bed or caffinate myself.

8:49 p.m. - 2011-10-02

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