cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Four Straight Hours! She's 5' 3" and exactly 100 pounds. Perfect. Fuck. I'm just heart-sick tonight without her. I hope that in the next month we can get to the point where I come up to visit her in DC and stay overnight there once a week or so. ...and ouch! I chatted her on gmail and then she didn't respond and then she logged out. Fuck. She probably didn't see my chat? I don't know. This is the stupid phase where every little thing can easily take on greater significance than it should. I wanted to fall asleep 2 hours ago and only stayed up to talk to her. It was an almost inane message, too. One sent purely to start a conversation about whatever may have happened today. I meant it to look that way. I made no effort to come up with something of weight to say because I wanted her to look at it and know that I was only talking to her because I wanted to talk to her. ________ Right as I wrote that, she chatted me. And we talked for over 4 hours straight. Including a very candid discussion of my situation with Trish. And then she wanted to know all about things like my girlfriends in high school and wants to see more pictures of me with long hair. And she said this is definitely not for the movie. Then I got an invitation to a party happening this weekend while we were chatting and I forwarded it to her and asked her to come with me. She asked whether this was for the film or not and I said I just wanted her to come with me. No camera. And she was interested and looking to see if she can clear her camera schedule. And it quickly became clear that we are talking about actual dates now that have nothing to do with the movie and this is all very good. If this was a line she doesn't want to cross then she would have said so. She was very, VERY interested in the details of what happened with me and Trish. I told her to just ask Trish about it if she has any concerns. I hope she will take me up on that. Trish came downstairs and saw that I was chatting with Helenah and genuinely smiled at me. I think that she's actually happy for me and probably a little bit relieved. Oh my God I am so in love with Helenah. And we talked about what we expect from someone in a relationship and what is or is not forgivable. She was very clearly establishing what she would want and expect from me. And I am willing to give her all of it. 100% exclusivity and 100% honesty. I never want to lie to her. I couldn't, actually. She would know immediately. Four hours of chatting. Last night it was at least two and probably more. And we are both passionate about the same issues in documentary film and in wildlife photography. And I want to host documentaries and she wants to film them and we were talking about how to film things together and she kept saying that she loves the way that I am when it is just her and I alone together going out to film something. This could be so good. This is my perfect woman. The one I can have next to me everywhere. We can have the most amazing life together. And she even types in google chat in proper English and full sentences instead of some sort of obnoxious barbarian text speak. I love everything about this woman. I have been waiting for my entire life to meet her and she's finally here. It is now past 2 am and its technically Monday now so technically I get to see her tomorrow! Even though its really two sleeps away. We're both just obsessed with each other and its wonderful. I had forgotten that life could be like this. I forgot that this could be good. The last time I really felt like I was even approaching this kind of mutual in-love-ness with someone whose mind and talent I had such respect for was with Leah in high school. And she broke my heart. She absolutely crushed me and it took many years to get over it. After that I always thought of falling in love as something horrible. A sort of vertigo that necessarily preceded heartbreak. I'm not sure whether I have ever openly confessed even here the fact that I never exactly fell in love with Trish. Not in that way. In fact when we first got together I felt guilty for a long time over the fact that I was having sex with this woman and I wasn't in love with her. I was still mourning the loss of Leah. That's 17 years old for you. Over time I became attached to Trish. We broke up for a time in our first year together and I felt her absence in a way that I didn't expect. My love that emerged was real but it wasn't the result of falling in love in the classic sense. We became engaged out of practical considerations and I wasn't about to go back on my word. This is not to say that marrying Trish was a mistake. It wasn't -- we have had almost 17 mostly very good years together. Half of my life. I do not regret our time together. Yet I'm realizing that I missed out on something in a big way. I have a chance right now to experience something amazing that I never had. I might get to be in love with a woman who is in love right back with me, with no guilt or heartbreak involved whatsoever. It just might work out. If Helenah will have me then this will be the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life so far. I think that Trish is going to be really good and supportive when Helenah stays over. Unless she breaks down and cries. 2:25 a.m. - 2011-10-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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