cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Pre-Visit Doubts

Last night I dreamed about kissing her.

I get to see her tomorrow! We are madly cleaning and organizing the house before she arrives. I really miss her. Trish is being so good and supportive about this. I'm making a big effort not to talk to her about Helenah all the time but its hard.

She is so good. She is the most honest person I have ever known. We talked online for 4 hours last night and it felt like half an hour. It would be impossible not to like her. I hope that Trish will like her. I think that Trish will like her and she will see how we are together and she will give us her blessing.

I hope that Trish will take Helenah aside at some point tomorrow evening and let her know that its ok. That she can have me.

At what point is it acceptable to really let it out to her? When do you tell someone that you are desperately head-over-heels with someone and that they are the high point of your entire life? I mean, that shit would probably scare the hell out of most people.

I don't really know what I am doing. I don't. I haven't been on a date since I was 17 years old. Never really dated at all. I have no idea how I'm supposed to act or what. The only thing I can do is be honest with her and treat her very well.

Meanwhile, I looking fucking great right now. I'm in really good shape. I've never really been fat, but I'm particularly toned up lately and I look really good. I'm wearing clothes that I haven't touched in years.

If she's not really into me in a big way then I'm not going to blame myself for fucking something up. Because the only other option would be if she is deliberately leading me on. She's too smart to act the way she has if she wasn't really into me. Right? She sits there in front of a screen all day and edits video of me, thinking about my every word and inflection. She really analyzes things that I say and comes back to little turns of phrase that I used a week later with some new thought about it. It should be impossible that she is oblivious to me and to the impression that she has been giving me.

I talked to Melinda about the situation for a while today. She gave me a couple of warnings and the more I think about it, the I think she's probably right and I'm fucked but there's nothing to do about it.

The odds are high that in a week or so after some sort of direct rejection I will be a broken, bitter shell of a man. I don't get to have nice things. That is usually the way that it is. It is most likely that Helenah is going to break my heart and it will take me years to get over it and that will be it.

Why would anyone want someone like me with the baggage of kids and a gay soon-to-be-ex-wife? I have spent almost 17 years with the same woman, despite the fact that I'm only 33. I don't get the impression that this is what people want to hear these days. I can't remember the last time I heard a woman say that she really wants a guy who will try to stick around for that long.

I really don't know how the whole meat market drinking and texting and pretending not to give a shit scene works. I don't know how someone my age is supposed to be doing this. I know how to cook dinner, write books, butcher a deer, fix the washing machine, build a house, change a diaper, put a child to bed, pull out a splinter, escape in a car chase, put out a fire, give a speech, and brew beer.

This doesn't seem to be a skill set that is particularly valued in this society. Certainly not by women. If I'm forced to be single here then I am just really fucked. Its nice that Helenah announced herself and dropped right into my life. But if she decides to pass on me then I don't feel like I have other choices.

I need to go to sleep now. And when I wake up I get to drive into town and pick her up.

Christ, she just referred to me as looking 'adorable' on Facebook. Why would she be doing this if she isn't interested? What would be the point of acting like this towards me when obviously its going to have to come to a head where she either kisses me back or rejects me and makes everything else we do be awkward?

She knows the whole history with Trish and I. She should know perfectly well that flirting with me right now is like waving a steak in front of a starving man. You don't fuck around like that unless you're prepared to feed him.

2:22 a.m. - 2011-10-04

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