cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And Youtube Doesn't Buffer Properly Anymore I must confess that I have had a few days where I doubted what I am doing and I was strongly tempted to put a stop to this and go back to the way that things were. This all feels terribly wrong and destructive at times. The idea of leaving Trish in any sense horrifies me. Screwing up my family at all is literally my worst nightmare. Then a few nights ago I read through some old diary entries here. Before I met Helenah I was miserable, lonely and frustrated. This is obvious in entries only about a month old, but its also the case going back YEARS. I have written probably tens of thousands of words praying for someone meeting Helenah's exact description to appear. I was miserable, I begged for someone to enter my life and complete me, and here she is. Walking away from this would be monumentally stupid. What it comes down to is just my fear of this destroying my family. Trish's side of the family in particular. I don't think that I need to worry any more about whether I have a real future with Helenah. She's not going to walk away from me a few months from now. She is wholly and entirely in love with me. Helenah is loyal and honest and trustworthy. She explained to me that this isn't a normal thing for her. She hasn't felt even a little bit in love with anyone since she was around 20 years old. She doesn't run around dating one man after another. She's had one-night stands of course, but Helenah is no serial monogamist. As far as she is concerned, I am *it*. So I will not doubt her. Not even a little bit. Trish is nervous and unhappy when I speak of or attempt reconciliation. She doesn't want it. She doesn't want me. She recoils at my touch. This is difficult to absorb. She really does not love me any more except in a platonic, sibling-like way. She is happier speaking of me in the past tense. This would all be easier for me if Helenah were closer. Having her 3 hours away is very difficult for both of us. If Helenah could be with me every day then the separation with Trish would be much easier. As it stands I am just very, very lonely every night. It is so much worse with a woman who once loved me being right there. I have an opportunity to possible go to Gabon in the spring that I don't even really know how to explain here. So I won't. I want Helenah to come with me if I go. There would almost be no point without her with me. Trish is miserable and on the edge of tears when I speak of reconciliation and when I ask her questions and try to understand what she is feeling. When I talk about Helenah she is much happier. Isn't that strange? She like to hear about little romantic things between Helenah and I. She likes to hear about how much Helenah is in love with me and about how much I am in love with Helenah. I'm listening to the album, 'Faith' by The Cure while I write this. 10:21 p.m. - 2011-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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