cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Loyalty

We Skyped and then chatted on gmail tonight.

Sigh.

She is so devoted to me. She has earned very nearly my total trust. I know that she is completely in love with me. I do not doubt her devotion. I do not have total trust with her yet because there has been no test.

What would happen if I suddenly announced to her that I have cancer? Or if I was arrested and falsely accused of a crime? Or if I became homeless?

These are the things that I don't know about her yet. I know myself and I know how I would react if any of these sorts of things happened to her, because I have been through a very, very long term relationship in which my girlfriend and then wife went through health problems, pregnancy, a legal problem, etc. I have stood there awake for 40 hours straight through childbirth, twice. I have driven 5 hours on zero notice in the middle of the night to pick Trish up from a bad neighborhood. I have been cheated on and offered forgiveness. I have written checks for many, many thousands of dollars at times when I had no money in order to make my wife happy. For a woman, I walked away from the land I'd worked years to buy.

Because of these experiences I can affirm my commitment to Helenah with a measure of real confidence. I know what it is to suffer and to make real sacrifices for a woman whom I love.

But Helenah, as far as I know, has never had to make such decisions or sacrifices. As much as I am in love with her, there will be a certain measure of doubt on my part until she has faced and passed some type of test. I know that she can love me when my star is ascendant and my career is taking off and people want me to sign their books and appear on television shows. But I don't know for sure that she will be there for me through the really bad times as well.

I am in love with Helenah. I am. This is as true as true love can be for me. Yet I mean it when I say that my own happiness is not the most important element in this situation. As unhappy as I have been with her, if Trish begged me to stay married to her and to choose her over all others then I would still do it -- provided that she really convinced me that she was truly in love with me. I would walk away from Helenah and break my own heart for good. Because just as I passed all of those tests over 17 years with Trish, she passed all of the same tests with me.

She was there through the bad times. She nursed me when I was sick and consoled me when I was unfortunate. That counts for a lot. Her loyalty is more valuable than my own happiness.

Not that Trish seems terribly likely to ask me to stay. Again, she's GAY. And she seems to have all sorts of other reasons for wanting to end things with me. But for the record, her years of loyalty and devotion still matter to me and would still earn my own loyalty, if she wanted it.

1:16 a.m. - 2011-10-17

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