cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dealing with my hit I'm having trouble dealing with my shit. And with sleeping. Hence writing this at almost 5 am. Emails that I haven't even read, though I know that I need to read them and deal with them. I'm nervous as hell about the class I have to teach this weekend because its nowhere near booked up enough and I'm worried about being able to even break even. Like, tomorrow I have to go buy ammunition and snacks and gas for Saturday and I don't know if I'm going to have enough money up front to cover it. And my publisher -- not just my editor but the publisher who runs the publishing company -- has been playing phone tag with me and I don't know what the fuck this is about but I'm afraid of it. This almost certainly is in response to the polite but firm and long-winded email that I sent to my editor a few days ago explaining why I categorically reject a number of her edits to my new book. I worry that things are going to get ugly. There is just so much shit that I feel unable to deal with right now. I'm feeling very burned-out. Too much work, too much conflict. Too much of this separation and pending divorce that I don't really want, in spite of everything that is good about Helenah. And Helenah is expecting me to drive to DC for the night next week in order to spend time with her before she goes to Sweden. I'm supposed to take her to the airport. But with gas and everything, this is going to cost me at least $100. And I don't know that I will have $100 after this weekend's class, given all of my expenses. Even if I did have the $100, I have a family to feed and support and I have the annual fucking nightmare of Christmas to contend with. I have not a dime to spend on Christmas presents. Nothing. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do, since there is no way in hell that my publisher is going to pay me what I'm owed until probably February at the earliest. My ass is flat fucking broke right now, with 2 kids expecting Santa to come. I can probably hustle to get a few days scheduled as a hunting guide in the next few weeks. That is the only thing I can think of that would pay me right away. 4:39 a.m. - 2011-12-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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