cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bittersweet, Bittersweet. Its sad all the time and I miss her every day. But I know that what I miss was already long gone when we parted. Trish had no been the slightest bit affectionate toward me in years. Any given day that I spend with Helenah brings me more happiness than any given month with Trish during the last 5 years or so. Oh, its bittersweet. Because I know all the time that I'm there with Helenah and not with Trish. But bittersweet beats the hell out of plain bitter. I sleep so well when I am in bed with Helenah. None of the usual insomnia. I've been having trouble sleeping for the last year or more. It all goes away with Helenah in bed beside me. Perhaps this would all be easier if we could be together more. With her in DC we only get to see each other for a few days every other week or so, except when we go on trips together. She's still not fully integrated into my life. My family hasn't really met her yet. Actually they all mostly stopped speaking to me once they found out about her. The silence began when Trish told them that she was leaving me and then once they found out about Helenah a month or 2 later that silence became deafening. Most of my friends have stopped speaking to me as well. I live in a kind of isolation lately. I spend all day with the kids. Maybe once or twice a week I go into town to run a few errands. I see Helenah either here or in DC every other week or so. My family never invites me to anything any more. Trish's family seems to be pretending that I'm dead. And the only thing I'm guilty of is having a wife who decided that she's gay and didn't want to work things out. I have my children and my home and sometimes my girlfriend and, honestly, nothing else right now. When the money my publisher owes me finally arrives then it will all get a bit easier. I'll be able to buy a new car to replace the one that is all smashed up right now. Get out of the house more. Maybe get daycare for Harry and sign Ida up for an after school program so that I can work during the day again. But I'm very sad. I am. This is one of the saddest times of my entire life so far -- probably the saddest yet. Its all touched by this terrible foreboding about what the hell is going to happen come August when my last stock purchase check has come and gone and I will have to make the rent and bills and I don't know where that money will come from. There's no help any more. I won't have a wife for backup. Somehow I have to make quite a lot of money appear, or a regular paying job, by then. And it doesn't help that I'm supposed to go on a 3 or 4 week book tour right when the money dries up. 1:53 a.m. - 2012-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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