cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Janet and how I loved her Janet's husband was a student of mine. He was one of ten Cr0ssfit and paleo people who all signed up for a deer class that I taught a few years ago. Every class I ever taught had at least one paleo diet person and at least one Cr0ssfit person, but this was the first class that was full of nothing but. That was actually an awesome group. They gnawed raw flesh from the carcass of the deer. We made fire with a bow drill during the primitive skills demo for that bunch. I liked those guys. Later he signed up for one of my build-your-0wn-d33r-rifle classes. Gunsmithing. I remember his wife dropped him off and I glanced at her in the car and she smiled. Some months later, they both friended me on Facebook. I checked out her pics. She was hawt. Then there was drama one day where their status changed to "in an open relationship." I was in a committed relationship, but still cruised through her photos just to see what was going on. Then she suspended her account. About a year later, Janet re-emerged on Facebook. She started liking a lot of my photos and commenting. After Helenah left, I kinda perved over her photos. This past summer I was posting before I went out in my canoe to fish for catfish. Who wants to come? Going catfishing with me in honestly an awful lot of fun. We put the canoe in the reservoir about 90 minutes before dusk. Paddle a while to a good place, see a lot of wildlife along the way. Sun goes down. We put out our lines. Drink a bottle of wine, eat whatever, hang out, every now and then a catfish bites and you grab the rod and fight it in. This is actually a lot of fun. I take about a dozen random people out every spring and summer and it is a fun way to spend a night. Paddling around by moonlight, catching fucking huge fish, talking, and drinking champagne. Janet asked to come. I said yes, and we started chatting. Turns out that her husband is now gay. So we have a lot to talk about, given that the same thing happened to me. We caught some serious fucking fish. Including the biggest catfish I've ever caught (I didn't weigh it but it was longer than my arm) and a huge, 4' long shock of an eel that neither of us expected but I sent her home with it to cook for dinner the next day. In person, she was really pretty. And really hot. And I liked her a lot. A few months later I drove up to Northern Virginia to spend the night with her. We talked for hours and I was a total dork. I didn't want to kiss her first, because it was her house and there is something sort of invasive about making the first move on a woman in her own home where she cannot retreat if she chooses. At about 2 am, we finally kissed and spend the next 3 hours making out and fucking. She has possibly the nicest vagina that I have ever met. And I've met a lot of vaginas at this point in my career. She has a 4 year old. Her husband moved out less than a year ago to go gay it up. Janet climbed on top of me and I slid into her. She reached out and placed her hand over my chest. On my sternum. She felt my heartbeat and rode up and down on me. I fell asleep with her in my arms. That was about four months ago. We've talked online every day since. I represented something to her. The famous hunter and author whom she and her husband had idealized for years. Notorious science guy and adventurer. The man who volunteered to test a bl@ck widow anti ven0m. The guy who hunted pyth0ns in the Everglades. The guy who stabbed a bear to death in the middle of the road. That worried me. This wasn't someone I picked up in a bar. It's easy to take my resume and weave it into something that makes a woman want to fuck. I don't want one night. I want just the right person to come home to forever. She does amateur gymnastics. Takes apart whole sides of beef into dinner-sized portions. And she has a real love of biology and taxonomy, which is dear to my heart. I could be very happy with her for the rest of my life. But I feel like I have nothing to offer. I make so little money right now. Even though I'm writing for Sm1thsonian every week and working on these TV shows. When F00d Fights goes into production, I will be making a lot of money. Meanwhile, what am I? Nothing. An attractive man with good stories. I'm the guy a woman dates for a few months before looking for someone more stable. I would marry Janet. I miss designing the layout of a kitchen. Choosing the colors for the living room. Buying throw pillows. This, to me, was what it felt like to be human. To create a nest with a mate. We talk every day through Whatsapp. I can't say what I want to say or do what I want to do because I don't have the resources. It takes money to court a woman 150 miles away. I tried to marry Helenah. I bought a ring. I should have done it so much sooner than I did. No matter how I feel, it would be foolish of me to move ahead at all with Janet. With a four year old to care for, she should not move ahead with a man who has less than a hundred dollars to his name. I know how to take care of a four year old, and a newborn for that matter; and I can clear a drain and build a house and butcher a deer and make a bed and swap an alternator and install a dishwasher but none of that really matters. A man with no money is nothing more than a moments entertainment. In the eyes of her friends, I would be nothing but dead weight to her. Eventually she would agree with them. 12:07 a.m. - 2016-12-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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