cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Asses, red and blue

You know what's a good life lesson? Not reflexively seducing every woman that you come into sustained contact with.

I've done it again and again just because they are there and I can. This year I made a commitment to stop doing that and I seem to be following through. Mostly.

Poor Mary B. I dated her for I don't know how many months. Too fucking long. I wanted to fuck her because she was there, because she was 16 years older than me, because she was sophisticated and accomplished. But she didn't want to fuck right away. Only blowjobs for two months. And I wasn't about to just give up. I was invested -- I was damned well going to cum inside of every hole. And of course I did, eventually.

I didn't want to get serious with her. Not at all. But somehow I got wrapped up into a whole situation. I was never the slightest bit in love with her, but I liked her a lot.

The lesson I learned was that a man should absolutely never date a woman her age unless he is serious about marriage. She's at the very end of her looks. This is her last chance to land a husband and I had no business wasting 6 months of that time.

I do have a strong attraction to women in their late thirties to mid-fifties (if they have taken good care of themselves). I had really been looking forward to that period with my wife and then she left me, got fat and boring, and now nobody wants to fuck her.

Anyway, I'm getting better about not reflexively seducing women just because they are there. I've gotten insinuated into a music and art scene during the last few months and I haven't even tried to have sex with anyone here.

One of the leaders, Aimee, decided last month that she absolutely loves me. She invites me to everything. She's a painter, very close with all of the bands in this scene, two kids, great husband, terminal cancer.

Every embrace is a bit too tight, too long. A few nights ago I was at a nightclub talking to her husband and he described a club they went to together in Atlanta where they "did different things and had some other types of relationships." He looked me right in the eye as he said that word, 'relationships.'

Some other types of relationships.

I think that Aimee wants to have sex with me and her husband is in on it. She has two years to live with her terminal cancer.

I'm on my best behavior here, and now I'm supposed to sleep with this kind, married, intelligent, Jewish woman who is a bit overweight and dying of cancer.

How the fuck do I say no to that? How do I say no to a woman with terminal cancer?

I'm supposed to go back to Panama in 2 weeks to produce a few episodes of a TV show. We don't have the permits yet and I don't know what the fuck is happening. The Australian wants me back ASAP. We're talking about her coming here to the US for a while.

Dating isn't something I really want to keep doing. I just want one woman. I want to get married. I want to go home. I've fucked enough women now. I don't need to keep doing that.

Right now I'm watching The Sopranos. The episode in season 3 where Tony was dating the Mercedes saleswoman and he has his hand around her throat and she says, "kill me, kill me."

There have been a few times when I was with women who were that vulnerable. Women who asked me to put my hand around their throats. To spank their asses red and blue. Their tears and saliva poured over my shoulder, my face. I loved those women, in those moments. When Kim came in my arms I held her and kissed her and spooned her and she slept in my arms after being fucked properly for the first time in five years.

I don't want to be a hook-up anymore. I want to sleep with one more woman, and the same woman, every day for the rest of my life.

11:55 p.m. - 2017-03-19

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