cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to stop being. So I live in Charlottesville. That's a hashtag now. For the last three weeks I have worked over 100 hours a week. Sleeping 3 or 4 hours a night. Working constantly, running down stories and sitting in court rooms and doing interviews and just going, going, going. I'm not going to try to write much about the 12th here. I stood on the top of the steps in Emancipation Park with the white supremacists beside and behind me and the protestors in front of me, and I took the full force of violence from both sides. Heather H3eyer's brother was a guy I knew from a few years ago. I got to the scene of that within minutes. Constant work and reporting. As usual, millions of people are reading my shit every day. I've been writing for Rewire and the D@ily B3ast, which I had never even read before they asked me to cover this shit for them. Something I wrote the other day went viral and there's a whole thing going on right now with people freaking out about it. I don't give a shit. This has happened to me too many times before to care all that much. For a few weeks it helped a lot. I was too busy to think about anything, to be sad. But last night I dreamed about Helenah the whole night and I woke up and wanted to kill myself. I miss her so much that it hurts. All day long. A physical ache. It never gets any better. I've been thinking that I should have killed myself the day that she left. I really should. Nothing has been better since then. I miss the feel of my arm around her shoulders in the morning when I wake up. I miss telling her about what I'm writing. I miss hearing her tell me about tigers. I miss cooking her dinner. This isn't going to get better. I'm not going to get better. My heart is permanently broken. I should have ended this right away. I should not be here anymore. I don't like existing and it has been several years since I have liked existing. It's completely stupid to keep being here. I don't want to be alive any longer. I want to stop being. 11:08 p.m. - 2017-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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