cellini's Diaryland Diary

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Lauren opted out

Everything was going quite well until about 2 am when Lauren messaged me on Facebook to say that there has been some sort of crisis with her father and she needs to reconfigure Christmas dinner to make it family-only.

Assuming that the story is true, ok. Her father is a weird guy who definitely has issues.

But is it really that? Her sort-of best friend, Gwen, is also invited to Xmas dinner (along with her husband, who is also a friend). Gwen passed a few days ago on an offer to function as business manager for my film touring. No hard feelings as far as I am concerned -- This is a very emotionally challenging thing to be involved with.

But I don't know whether tomorrow's cancellation is really because of some issue with Lauren's father or if this stems from the thing between myself and her sort-of best friend.

I had been planning to drink at Lauren's house on Christmas Eve. After she cancelled, I went for the wine. I decided to start drinking tonight in place of my evening if drinking wine with friends.

So I am drinking wine tonight, 29 days after changing my relationship with alcohol.

Tomorrow I go back to the new normal.

I like the way that I am now. Drinking rarely. This morning I got on the scale and I weighed 162.2 pounds. I retrieved a pair of skinny jeans that have not fit me in two years and put them on. They fit better than the day that I bought them and I think that my waist is back down to a 32 and right where it was 15 years ago.

I look so fucking good. I really do. Slim, fresh haircut, trim and brilliant.

Do I ask her out again, or do I kick her back to that shitty, basal level of communion along with the random nothing women who message me but whom mean nothing and offer nothing?

Getting down to 162 is a big thing for me. Just 4 pounds more to go. And I will be at around 6% bodyfat.

I don't know what I am supposed to do with the experience of Lauren's demurrer. Is this really her tapping out of holiday shit? Or is this something aimed at me? There's no way I know of to tell.

Meanwhile, someone gave me tickets to see They Might be Giants in mid-January and I had been thinking that Lauren would be exactly whom I would invite, but now I'm wondering if should aim in another direction.

I'm fucking kidding myself. All I want is to spend 30 minutes kissing Lauren and looking right into her eyes. And I will line up a screening at the Smithsonian where I take her picture with Oprah and she talks about that photo-op for the next 50 years and we tell our grand-kids about the time that your grandmother and I posed with Oprah right after the screening at the Museum of African American History. I want that thirty seconds and then we spend the rest of our lives together.

I've thought about you every ten minutes or so since we were teenagers.

4:11 a.m. - 2017-12-25

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