cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - And everything takes fucking forever. And I'm supposed to be writing a book but instead I've written about 20 minutes of a monologue. Kerri went off to Hawaii for 10 days or so and she came back and didn't want to date anymore. That's fine. I had so little invested in that. A married woman with another boyfriend in addition to myself -- whose wife was also dating her husband. I get it. Nice cozy situation where one couple can date another. I'm happy to bow out. It was nice to cross the 'redhead' entry off of my list. Everything with this fucking movie is being held up. Distribution, the college speaking tour, everything. I'm getting paid $800 next week by Rewire. Until then, I'm broke. After that, I have no expected income. Next month, I'm completely fucked. And being alone just hurts so much every day. Every night, every morning. Sure, I have options. But there's no point in moving ahead with anyone when I'm flat broke most of the time. Including with Lauren. I don't know how much more patience she has. I can't ask her out on more explicit dates while I'm broke. And I don't know why she would be interested in me while I'm worthless, financially. I mean literally, I'm worth nothing. I tell good stories, I've done interesting things, I look good, I have worthwhile projects underway. But in a material sense, I have nothing. Literally, I am worth nothing. Here's a link to a photo of me from tonight: https://imgur.com/TiO41Rx The TV show I filmed in Panama last June has been running on Netflix. I'm flooded with friend requests from randoms in Brazil. Why Brazil? Why not America? I'm thinking halfway seriously of paddling the entire James River through Virginia this spring. I could get a sponsor to pay for equipment. I'd rather have a job with a salary and a real life. But if I can't have that, then I guess I would settle for that. I want a wife and a home and babies and a garden and a dog. WHY IS THIS SO FUCKING HARD? 2:30 a.m. - 2018-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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