cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is what I want Here's what I want. A home. A house, which doesn't have to be very big. With bedrooms for each of my kids, and maybe a spare bedroom for guests. I want to make most of the furniture myself. I'm good at carpentry and I can do it. I'd make the dining table and the couches. And I'd like to build a sort of alcove bed with a headboard that has a pair of directional reading lights built in, like on an airplane. And I want to have a little garden again and lay slate paths and plant rose bushes and have flox and heather blooming over the edges of each piece of stone. I want a wife to fall asleep with and to help stain the furniture and watch movies with. A baby. I want another baby so much. And I miss having a toddler and having a four and five year old. I have to look away every time I see someone with a baby because my eyes tear up. And I want a dog. I miss having a dog snout right in my face and jumping up on me when I come home. A dog that I can hug and snuggle with. WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HARD? I can't have any of this without a decent job with a salary. Or sure, maybe HBO will pick up my movie and rain money down on me. Or one of my TV shows will move out of development hell and start paying me. And I'm fucking stuck here. Stuck in this little fucking city with no jobs in any of my fields. Stuck because I have two kids and a disloyal ex-wife and I can't move to another city without some awful custody battle. And there are no jobs for me here. No magazines, no newspapers, no environmental non-profits. I just fucking hate this. I want a home and a wife and a baby and a dog and I don't know why this has to be so fucking impossible to make happen. I can frame, wire and plumb a house and butcher and cook dinner and tend a garden and change a diaper and write a book and make a movie and shop for a dress and design a bouquet and change a tire and I look pretty fucking good and a TV show just dropped on Netflix with me in it and I look pretty fucking good and there's a whole fucking movie about me and I've lectured at the Yale school of law and I'm pretty good at cunnilingus and isn't there anyone who isn't boring or obese who would like to make some kind of life with me? I don't have any money. If you were to tick off every possible box that women generally have for the perfect man, I have every fucking one of them except for money. Looks, charm, fame, accomplishment, skills, sex, personability. But it says a lot about how people work that the lack of money turns out to be so critical. Oh, I can get laid whenever. I did that a lot for a while. But I don't want to keep fucking a bunch of randoms. I don't want to be anyone's fling anymore. I'm done with hook-ups and affairs. I want to get married. I want a wife and a baby and a house and a dog. And it is completely fucking ridiculous that I don't have that bare level of financial security given the professional accomplishments I've secured in the last few years. I want another baby so much. It physically hurts how much I want a baby. 3:23 a.m. - 2018-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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