cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That was a bad idea. I think maybe I am being unfair to P@tra, the chick I fucked last night. I am essentially using her for sex when she probably has expectations that I'm not prepared to fill. She is a very nice person, but not especially interesting. She doesn't create anything and doesn't have any of the intellectual interests that I do. She describes herself accurately as not being at all adventurous and doesn't like to do things outside. I'm not saying that to talk shit about her. There is nothing wrong with her being the way she is. We're just not compatible. My MO now is supposed to be that if a woman isn't wife material, she isn't girlfriend material and if she isn't girlfriend material then she isn't hook-up material. This is a wise policy and I've hewed pretty close to it for over a year now. I don't want any more ex-girlfriends. I want to get married. Being in some pointless short-term relationship with someone who isn't a good fit for me can prevent me from meeting or dating someone who But fuck, after a while I just need to get laid. I'm used to having sex 3-7 times a week for most of my adult life. And there's a sort of sickness that I get after prolonged periods of not having close physical contact with a woman. So I gave in. After one date with P@tra, I had a pretty good sense that she would be down to fuck and that she is really into me. And sure enough I got lucky on the second date. She's really sweet and I don't want to hurt her. I'd be cool with a FWB situation, but I don't think that is what she's looking for. At the same time, I don't want to do the whole fucked-her-once-and-disappeared thing. So I need to deal with this in the kindest way possible. Fundamentally, I'm not willing to aggressively look for someone until I have something to offer financially. I need a real salaried job instead of this stupid freelancing shit that has kept me in poverty for years. And I'm working on it -- I've been applying for jobs and fellowships constantly for the last few weeks. I fucking hate being alone. It is really tempting to go over to P@tra's apartment tomorrow evening to fuck and snuggle her. 1:09 a.m. - 2018-02-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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