cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Job offer and move possibly looming A couple of weeks ago I decided to try something zany and pull shit *out* of my CV. I removed everything related to my 11 years in the insurance industry, as well as all of the references to my career as a professional hunter and instructor, except that I kept both books and all of my lectures. Instant fucking results. After months and months of basically no results from applying for probably 100 jobs, suddenly I'm in demand. I am a finalist for a communications position at the University of Florida in Gainesville. One of 3 as of this morning, and I think I aced the writing test assignment and might get an offer in the next week. Then Northeastern University just asked me to do a phone interview tomorrow afternoon for a position as a science journalist. And another scientific NGO wants to talk to me in September about a position after they have it funded. The UF job would pay somewhere between $60-70k. That is more money than I have ever made in my life and the cost of housing and living generally in Gainesville is significantly lower than it is here in Ch@rlottesville. I looked at housing costs and did the math and I'd have something like $2,200 in discretionary income every month, after paying all my bills and gas and groceries. The Northeastern job would also be really cool. In Boston, and I hate cold, but I have a lot of family up there and I'd be able to go to Red Sox home games. The job would be somewhat more interesting than the UF job, but even though the salary would probably be higher the cost of living is way higher in Boston and MA has high income taxes while FL has zero. I definitely dig the Gainesville lifestyle more than the Boston lifestyle, on the whole. More water, alligators, fishing, warm weather. Meanwhile, my existence is on life support. I have $11 to my name and R3wire has decided to pay me ten days late and $400 short. Somehow I have to pay for gas and groceries for the next 6 days on $11 for myself and two kids, which is impossible. My car insurance is about to lapse. My cell phone got disconnected today. Fuck those people. I am so done with this life and this job. If I get this job at UF then everything will change. I get to finally fucking leave. I'll be done with this whole shitty post 8/12 drama and all the stupid spy shit and the violence and the hate groups. I'll get to be around people again. I'll be able to go to the grocery store and buy anything I want to eat. Or get a haircut whenever I need one. I'll have a real place to live and get to hang art on the walls and ride a bicycle to work and eat lunch at a restaurant and. And I don't know how long it will take for me to shake this shadow of fear and paranoia that has kept me alive for the past year. How long until I can walk past an alley or a cross street without pausing to glance around the corner. How long until I get into my car and start the engine without checking under the car for a pool of brake fluid. How long until I can have a conversation in the same room as a smart speaker. I'm on empty. My main laptop's chassis is breaking and won't last more than another month or so until the screen just flops down. My camera broke last November. My car's inspection sticker expired in April, the registration expired in May, it would need over $1,500 in work to pass inspection and probably isn't worth that much. I have a ticket for no registration and will lose my driver's license on August 14th if I can't pay the ticket (which I can't). And I can't afford to renew the registration because first I would have to pay $200 or so in annual property tax on the car, which I don't have. I need an eye exam and my glasses and contacts are definitely not correct anymore. I still have bone chips in my right elbow that need to be surgically removed. It is becoming increasingly obvious that I have serious PTSD from over a year of covering violent neo-Nazi rallies, riots and counter-protests, plus a botched attempt to assassinate me. My decision a few months ago was a good one. To kill myself if I haven't found a good, salaried job before my birthday at the end of this month. I don't have what it takes to live like this for another year or even for another few months. It is right and wise and good to know when to pull the plug on something that doesn't work. And at the same time, that deadline arguably forced me to act aggressively and change what I was doing and focus in on getting job offers rather than tottering along and barely surviving on freelance work. As of now I am probably just a few days away from getting a life-changing job offer. Everything in my storage unit was lost yesterday at auction. Rewire's failure to pay me on time resulted in not having the money to pay rent on it at the last minute. Most of my worldly possessions are gone. This is heartbreaking but I don't know if there are any pieces left that are big enough to really break any more. I have lost so much. Almost everything I ever cared about has been taken from me. And I just want to go home. I just want a home and a normal life. And I don't understand why *I* have to do these things that I keep having to do. Why can't someone else do it? Why do other people get houses and dogs and cars that work and doctors appointments? Why do I have to risk my life and be hunted by neo-Nazis and get gassed and threatened and constantly fucking suffer in order to report on major shit that the world wants to know about? WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY SUFFER IN ORDER TO ACCOMPLISH GOOD? WHAT THE FUCK DID I EVER DO? Cardiac surgeons get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars and even soldiers get fair wages and health care and housing. Why is it always fuck me? When is my tour of duty over? When do I get to stop this and go home? 10:26 p.m. - 2018-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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