cellini's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am Terrified of going to Gainesville In about 36 hours I start driving to Gainesville to start a new life. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that something will go wrong with this new job. That I'll fuck up and get fired. I'm terrified that I won't be able to navigate the maze of Air BNBs and hotels that I need to get through just til my first paycheck, at which point I'll book another month of Air BNB while I try to save up enough for a deposit and first month's rent in order to rent a house to really live in.' I'm terrified of leaving my kids behind for an indefinite period of time while I try to build a settled life with a home and furniture. I'm driving south 700 miles with what little I can fit in my shitty, fucked-up car with a long since expired inspection sticker. And I have to start a whole new life. There is no plan B. I go to this new city in a new state where I know absolutely nobody and I have to build a new life there from scratch. This is terrifying. Meanwhile they are still doing a background check on me. Just this morning they were still calling people who reported back to me. Like there is still some possibility that they could decide I'm not suitable? Like they might say 'never mind' when I report for duty on Monday morning after having uprooted my entire life and driven 700 miles. This is terrifying. If it works then six weeks from now I might have a real home again with a living room and a kitchen and be able to buy new clothes and go to a doctor and get the torn rotator cuff in my shoulder fixed. I could be a real person again. And I don't want to go and I wish this wasn't happening. I wish I had a job offer here and that I could build a new life close to home with my kids right here. 12:04 a.m. - 2018-09-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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